Ok, Ok – so it was more like 2:30-3am. Anyways, I had gone
to bed early last night, feeling a little defeated and like I just needed to
journal, pray, and get some sleep for the week ahead. It had been a long day of
child rearing followed by a Sunday night dinner where I found out a family
member was not in a position to even think about how Christmas morning was
going to go for her and her 3 kids – whom she rarely has all together for
holidays due to being a single mom. I explained I understood, as I myself spent
very little as there was very little to work with but luckily found some things
that I had in storage that the kiddo was too young to play with before I could
wrap up, but back to the point I said I understood and we also mutually agreed
not to get each other anything, just the kids. This thought brought me back to
my own troubles and that I just wanted more time for my kiddo and a job that
not only counted in my perspective but would equate in more time with the kiddo
per commute and maybe a little more take home per gas and happiness via losing
the stress.
By the time I got home, did bedtime stories (including baby
Jesus of course), and looked around, I was overwhelmed and didn't know where to
start except for with prayer and rest. So that is what I did, I journeyed my
list of defeats, wants, true needs; prayed and was out around 8pm. Cue 2:30am
or so and I woke up – my body probably used to six and a half hours of sleep
and I just couldn’t shake something. I tossed and turned and finally thought or
listened if you will. Then it hit me, I started getting up, looking around, and
putting things in piles and good thoughts in my head. You see, I have been
making piles of different things, clothes I don’t wear, toys & clothes the
kiddo doesn't need or has outgrown, and various things in an attempt to
minimize. I have been looking for a local organization that would take gently
used things for the holidays, I didn't find one, until last night. With the
kids’ ages, a couple of bows, and a couple cheap Pintrest ideas – I could help
a family have a nice little Christmas morning. So I went into the kitchen, made
some coffee, and got started a little bit, while filling in my own Christmas
cards. The joy of giving can be pretty exciting and I was always the one who
could never sleep but 2 hours on Christmas eve, so this explained a little.
It was also a work day, so I did have to get ready to scrape
off the car, load up the bags, and get ready to wake up the kiddo, get her
dressed and off to school by 6am with an hour commute to follow – only to work
hard for an organization I no longer believe in, underpaid – and pick up my
sleeping daughter later over 14 hours later. And though I was almost wishing I
would be late per the snow so they could tell me to get out of there, and was
preparing my speech of ethics in my head (all the while listening to K-Love and
a few good Christmas stories) I realized I could give myself the gift of a
letter. My letter of resignation that is. You see I can’t leave yet because I
don’t have another job lined up, but in God’s time this will change. However,
one thing I can do is start to write that letter of resignation, of ethics, of
why a place that started out so promising years ago has hurt me not only
financially but emotionally by asking me to discard my own ethics. It may not
reach hands that will do anything, but I will turn it in someday soon I know
and go off to better things. Things such as time, rest, and my family.
I pray this will happen soon, but it doesn't mean I can’t
take the steps I want to while still bringing home the rent. I will have to
have faith that God will show me the path I am meant to be on, rather show me
how to support the path of my family that I am already on. Just like I hope my small gift of things I already have and know will re-iterate that all that mom's kids really want is her time (pancake mix, syrup, and hot chocolate with toppings included)!
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