To Mom and God

It has been a rough week around here! Multiple doctors appointments for the kiddo, some sick days and getting her up to full strength, finally a plan in place to get her better, end of the year projects and planning for teacher gifts, and not to mention we are still not yet a month into the new place. Add the regular need to work, school, and life in there and you get STRESS!

I wish I could say I was fine, but I have been more riding the “F.I.N.E.” line. F’d up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional - thank you Aerosmith! Ok, maybe not totally the F part, however, dealing with a lot of emotions after the split from former fiance and the whole life change, moving, appearing really OK for the sake of the kiddo stuff.

Luckily, I FINALLY was able to put my finger on what I am truly mourning and what I am going through emotionally right now. Here is the fun, whole circle, kicker - I am actually dealing with a lot of issues that I never dealt with after my marriage to the kiddo’s dad ended. I am in the midst of coming to accept the fact that I never had (and never will have) the “natural” family. The one where girl meets boy, they fall in love, they get married after healthy dating, have children, still have tiffs because we all annoy each other and kids make you nuts, but still have that foundation of love behind it all type of family. I don’t know if I will date again, even if I do, it will be for me and not to build a family and it will be down the road. Step-families are hard because not all are connected by that natural beginning and for those who can pull that off AND still have that amazing relationship - kuddos and God Bless!

Then the kiddo came home with a picture that made me feel like I am not sending her into therapy and that I am not alone. It was a picture with “To Mom and God” on it, talk about a melt your heart, smack upside your head moment! For her, it’s OK to label her pictures to Mom and God instead of Mom and Dad because she knows no different. She knows she has a dad, she sees him and loves him, but also knows we have always lived in separate places. Although the kiddo and I are both still working out our feelings after the step-family plans fell through, we are slowly but surely becoming good with God’s plan for what our family will look like or be.

And we have God, always have and always will - it just takes a young heart to show that to you sometimes:

The Story of a "Real Mother's Day"

Flowers, cards, chocolate, brunch, church, potted plants; these are all the things people tend to think of when they think of Mother’s Day. However, this year, I am in the middle of a true mother’s day story - not in the sense of what makes a true mother, but in the sense of what the day is actually like.

Technically, it’s Mother’s Day eve and I am sitting on the floor with coffee and water before my wine because I have been nursing a sick kiddo for the past 7 days who sounds like she is aspirating in her sleep (a real fear because she did actually throw up in the middle of our Target run today while picking out Mother’s Day cards). I have a tab open because I am googling “How to find a stud,” not because I am looking for a man but because I realized when one hangs a coat rack on the wall, one should have it anchored in some sort of way and NOT to drywall.  I also have an assembled bookshelf awaiting me that needs to go in my home office….that I am sharing with said coughing, bacterial, loving, viral, and sweet child as her bedroom. It will always be referred to as her bedroom of course because she needs the stability, I only “need” the satisfaction of having a spot in this one-bedroom to call my own ;). More minor, but probably more immediate tasks are going through the stack of papers, mail, and whatnot that ALL mothers (and most other adults) have in their homes, the putting away of said Target purchases, and reading up a little on acute and critical care before I start that orientation for work on Monday.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining here, far from it. I decided to take a break from my tasks and write this all out because well - this is real life, we all live it, and sometimes not only do we need to let others in but we also need to let others know that real life happens to ALL of us mothers out there and you are not alone. There are often two fears that stop us from letting people in on our secrets; 1) the fear that others will see our weaknesses and God forbid we be exposed as real people and 2) the fear that others with think we are just asking for sympathy or wallowing in a pit of self-pity. At this point in my life, I could really care less about either of those judgments to be made against me.

Due to the kiddo’s illness and the fact that we both have big school and work weeks this coming week - the brunches and what not will be forgone, we went to church tonight, I will munch on chocolate and wine while some Netflix or webinar plays and I go through “the stack,” hope a Starbucks half-price Frapp is in my future tomorrow, and I will admire the flowers I got for myself and some other moms I know today. By the way, those other moms happen to be my former fiance's ex-wife, mother, sister, and my own mother who I can only hope to see tomorrow (if not I know she will understand as she is a mother herself after all).

My point is we mothers - single, married, young, old, organized, not so much organized, mothers of lost babies (born and unborn, because y’all are still mothers), etc - ALL need to stick together. Get a little something for the mothers in your life, even in uncomfortable situations, don’t eye roll at the screaming babies in church, don’t envy those whose kids are a little older or a little younger, don’t compare yourself, your body, your kitchen to any other mothers’ out there. EMBRACE each other and the realness of what is Mother’s Day whether you are at brunch or not, flowers or not, chocolate or not, partner or not, earth child or not, birth child or not! I am here to tell you, you are not alone, if anything I see you and I see your struggles and I thank you for showing up every day to be the mother you are. <3

I Took A Break

From doing the dishes that is. No, I have not been doing dishes for the past 7 months even though the last 7 months have seen their share of dishes! I have been adjusting and re-adjusting, acclimating and re-acclimating and doing a lot of driving around in circles both literally and figuratively (damn round-a-bouts) as I have been adjusting to a new way of life. When I last left you readers, the kiddo and I had just moved into the fiancé’s house, which came along with this three kids included. If you think moving in with one person is tough (which it is), try FOUR people, 3 of which do not have their driver’s license – it has been a roller coaster for sure. I would like to say things are settling down, but I would be lying, which is what brings me back to blogging. I have been going through an interesting time this last month or so in both trying-to-blend-a-family life and my relationship with the fiancé and when things really got…..confusing – I looked back at my old blog entries for assistance. That’s when I realized, dishes or not, I should not have taken a break from blogging. It is such an outlet for me,  I only realized that when I was reading some old posts thinking, “this girl has got her stuff together,” only to realize – oh wait that was me and what the heck happened to that girl?!

That girl is still here, just elbow deep in a lot of stuff that I was not prepared for in the least. I am going to be honest, as I always try to be, and lay it out there – the fiancé and I went too fast. We luckily both agree on that part now looking back. We are still together, still living in what seems a way too small house for six people (well, five as one went off to college this fall), still doing our best to keep kids alive and not screaming, crying, choking, yelling, having panic attacks, etc. but we are slowing.things.down. I don’t even know if slowing things down is the right choice of words. When you realize you have gone too fast in a relationship, however, still want to go forward it’s like stalling a manual transmission that you have no idea how to drive. So we are getting out the manual that we put away so long ago and are slowly making our way back through things.  I am lucky that I have someone who is willing to do that, lucky to have some support from others who understand, and have grace (from God alone) not to just run the other way when things get rough.  So that is what I am trying to get back to, God, grace, the basics, myself, and the roots of my relationship. Easier said than done because this crazy train does not take a lot of breaks, so we have to work extra hard to build back up the important things in our lives as individuals, a couple, and the kids’ lives.

This blog will have a lot to do with helping me build things back up as an individual because though it might be cyberspace, it is the one place that really feels like my own space at this time in my life. I am not really all unpacked, though a lot of purging has been done. I now have enough space to have my laptop ON my desk with a fabric picture holding thing still unmounted with the “wine is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” quote shoved in one of the holding ribbons and Mickey Mouse reminding me that we promised to take 3 teenagers and a 5 year old to Disney World in less than five months via a mini-van that I have avoided driving at all costs in another ribbon.  The desk sits in the corner of our bedroom of which the door must be closed and sometimes locked if you expect to get any time to yourself. Add in the sound of pre-bedtime showers with the inevitable nightly shampoo drop..wait..ah there it goes (not kidding, real time). The dude is nicely sitting downstairs on the couch in the main shared family space so I can have some minutes to myself to type.  Sidebar – if you know what that fabric holding thing with the ribbon is called, please comment below.  

So there you have it, I am back writing in a new suburbia (this one is a real one y’all), not quite as single, still a single mom as well as a “not your mom but a ‘grown up’ in this house” type person. I am looking forward to being back, getting my thoughts down, getting my thoughts straight, and probably sharing some interesting stories with you all along the way. 

Does Single Mom In Suburbia Still Exist?

I haven't blogged in awhile and this is why.....

We all know the rhetorical answer to this question, of course. However, I have a more specific rhetorical reason for asking this question…..Am I  still a single mom in suburbia?

I write this because as many readers know, I have been dating someone for over a year now. What some readers may not know is that we got engaged in January, we had talked about this step together of course – and we are very happy. Before you ask, just like everyone else is asking, “WHEN are you getting married?” the answer is in a couple of years or so. We realize that we have made a very big commitment to each other, this does involve our children, and we want to be as prepared for marriage before we enter into marriage. We made the very big decision of moving in together a few months after the engagement, which meant the moving the kids in together and the actual move happened about a month ago. What I was not prepared for was/is the question of my new identity because in the majority of society’s, friend’s, and some family member’s eyes:  In making these two steps I have relinquished my title as a single mom?

To say I have not been struggling with this would be a complete lie and it leaves me asking myself and others (if I had the courage): what makes a single mom?

By my tax claim status – yes I am a single mom and will be the next two or so tax years.

Am I single as in not married? Yes. Am I a mom? Yes. OK, therefore I would be a “single mom.”

Yet, many would say, however, you have a future husband who is there when you come home and loves both you and your daughter. True. Many would say, you have someone to have dinner ready on some weeknights now. True. Many say, you live in a house with a man, your children, and his children and are becoming a family. Somewhat true. If you have ever done it before, I would assume you would agree that this is not a just add water family situation. It takes time. Bonds take time. Love, trust, building relationships all take time.

Beyond that, I still act as a single mom/parent. I have the same financial responsibilities with no increased income besides splitting rent and utilities, though a house of 6 costs a lot more to feed than a house of 2. I still have to work, therefore having my daughter in daycare or with a babysitter 40-50 hours a week throughout the year. I take her to all her appointments, make all the phone calls, fix all the ouchies, take the brunt of all the meltdowns, use every bone in my body to be diplomatic with my daughter’s father who is still angry with me for living my life and goes weeks without contact in between partial visits with my daughter. I am still paying off the debt from my daughter’s medical bills I couldn’t afford to pay at the time. I am still paying off the debt from the credit cards I had to use to in between paychecks to get by. I am still staring at pictures of just the two of us from pregnancy to 4 years old. I am the next of kin and in case of emergency 24/7 365 contact number.

My future husband is still learning how to be comfortable living with a 4 year old in the house, just as I am learning how to be comfortable living with another adult, two tweens and one teen.  We are still learning what our roles are with each other and with our kids and what the kids’ roles are with each other. This is not the Brady Bunch, people – it is real life.

So with all these new things, different things, difficult to discern things – I get frustrated that to others my role or my title as a single mom is , or so it feels, being challenged. When a widower re-marries, do people assume that the parent who passed away will become just a memory and nothing more and that the step-parent will take over as mom or dad? No. Does someone who never knew their or a biological father never hurt from that circumstance? Not that I have seen. Has all the work I have done on my own from pregnancy to now vanish or become less relevant, less of a battle, less courageous now that I have a partner?  I would like to think it doesn’t or that it won’t. That everything, every step, every tear, every question my daughter will come across that has do to with her biological father being in and out of her life will not be answered solely by me for the next  14 years or more?

I am not saying that I don’t want to hope to foster an awesome and loving blended family home with a beautiful (but completely worked on throughout many years) marriage, I do. But to erase what has been my life for over 4 years, the only years of life my daughter has known, seems a bit much, because we couldn’t have had a shot at this new family picture if I was first not a single mom and my fiancé not first a divorced single dad.

And that’s all I have to say about that....except that I will still continue the single mom in suburbia blog with my new adventures. And maybe, just maybe, create a new one about our blended adventures. OK, now I'm done ;) 

To My Mentor

To My Mentor:

This isn't the first letter I have written you, in fact I remember the first letter I wrote to you on real paper with real pen in junior year history class. Now I am using a combination of something called Microsoft Word, an iPhone, and Facebook…we've come a long way baby! Who knows what the next letter will entail, maybe I may just search for that old paper and pencil from the last century ;)

I have been lucky enough to have you as a friend and mentor for well over 15 years now. You first taught me how to have and maintain female confidence, you taught me about relationships and how to handle both love and loss. You taught me about forgiveness and how friendships can survive distance if they are important enough. You taught me MORE about relationships and about self-respect, even during the times I didn't have enough of it for myself you told me the consequences (in a letter as well I believe) of not having enough but when I didn't listen you knew the best way to make it stick was learning that for myself.

Then the next segment of life began for the both of us – real jobs, real relationships, followed by families. This is where a period of perseverance got us both where we are today. Maybe what seems like through very different life paths, but I was lucky enough to have you as a sister in life to show me by example, support me no matter what, and be there without judgment when I needed you the most. Then the most scary part came – you told me the cold hard truth about childbirth and the time following – that’s true love right there!

Your life change had already came twice when my life change came along and I am thankful for that. It allowed you to mentor and teach me in a whole different way. To say I didn't know what the heck I was doing would be a understatement but I always thought of you whether I thought I was doing it right, wrong, or the way I wanted to do it. That was probably the best lesson about motherhood that you gave me – only I knew the right way for my kiddo and it was perfectly fine if it didn't match anyone else’s way.

When the going seemed to get a little tougher, you introduced us (for a second and less annoying time) to Rachel Coleman – in fact we just got finished reading a Signing Time book as that is still a huge part of our life and communication. You taught me how what we eat can really affect us, not to mention kids. You teach me how to try and be a more patient mother in the everyday - it's like WWSD if I can hold back a loud voice or snap in the moment. You listened even if it had to be over email because we both had our hands full. And you have never forgotten us, and we have never forgotten you! 

I am happy to know our friendship and my learning from you is far from finished – in fact I am about to begin a couple new journeys that will need much brain picking. I love you very much and am so grateful to have you in my life! Have a beautiful birthday my friend and a fantastic year – in which I will make an in person visit more of a priority!

Live, laugh, love –

Your student and friend (I think the image below captures us perfectly)

P.S. It's a "home day" and has only taken me roughly 2 hours to get this done. 

It's Not Personal, It's Business

Tomorrow we or I go into the world of man’s law. Many people may think they live in this world of man’s law every day and I guess to a point they do: speeding limits, work uniforms, following codes, paying fines, etc. There are some of us who are, no matter the circumstances, obliged to cross our family lives and members into the world of man’s law because of choices we have made for our families or ourselves out of what we deemed best. And in a lot of those situations, I think people chose to do what was right or best for their families in the long run. I do know that good or bad, some had no choice at all.

I had a choice. I chose life for my child, life free of physical harm for myself, and a journey that would be very difficult but lead me back to my faith and my family. This choice entered me and my child into the world of man’s law that I am speaking of. The one I enter into again tomorrow – full of prosecutors, respondents, defendants, magistrates, and lastly judges. It’s the latter one that decides either if I know what is “best” for the child I have been nurturing and raising for 4 years or if he knows best. A man who I have never met.

I know that when I enter man’s world the other part of my kiddo’s last name will likely be present and possibly (due to history of my experience in the world of man’s law) declare mis-truths about me or himself. I wish I could say he was a Godly man or believed in God, however, I can say neither which makes the world of man’s law a little more difficult.

So once again I fluff and hang the court clothes on the door, get my papers ready, say more than one prayer, and prepare to perform the task I learned of holding my own hand behind my back pretending it belongs to someone else, shoulders back, and face man and his world of law. 

Blended Dating

We all know the stereotypes of “meeting the parents” when dating someone. Meeting the boyfriend’s mom, being grilled by the girlfriend’s dad, not to mention the fact that IF you are actually meeting these people in a pre-arranged date, place, and time you are saying you are serious enough to start meeting each other’s family.

Now add in today’s modern awkward addition of your parents meeting your boyfriend’s kids and vice versa! I feel like this should be 9 new cliches rolled into one. I mean this is taking it to the heat as far as seriousness goes in my opinion, and not that I am not comfortable with that, but even when you are in your 30’s or even 40’s – approaching your parents and letting them know you are this serious (obviously a second time around) is still weird and makes you feel like you are a teenager again.

Last week,  A and I did the above with my parents, luckily I think the kids (even though we were missing one, I mean we know where she is ;)) were the least nervous of all. The oldest found something in common when going through my dad’s old vinyls and talked politics with the younger one, then all 4 boys (A, my dad, the kids) bonded over a remote control helicopter. All while my mom was kind enough to entertain my kiddo so we could actually speak to one another. It actually went rather well on both sides.

Part of the reason I am posting about this is the fact that SO many times, separately and together, A and I have begged for a book on what the heck we are doing and are we doing it right and why must people judge because WE ARE in our 30’s. But it’s the second time around, so caution is there despite feelings and judging eyes are just waiting for the crash to happen.

However, we are solid in our relationship – no matter how the modern world or “traditional families” may look at us. And maybe, just maybe, if I keep documenting enough – and y’all don’t gag from my not as single in suburbia posts – we can write our own darn book to help those after us know that they aren't messing up their lives (nor did they the first time around) or sending their children into therapy. 

#101 - Domestic Violence Survior.....3+ years later

Being it is Domestic Violence Awareness month, being that I am a survivor, and to have a good post or helpful reason to post why I have been absent from the blog; I decided to write a little about what one DV survivor’s life looks like 3 years later:

The Good:

Myself and my kiddo have been in our own place for over a year now.  The same place and it will continue to be that way in the upcoming months.

I have a job (I did before too) as a health care professional and have grown in skill with the same facility – going on 5 years now. 

I am in a very happy AND healthy relationship with a not only respectable but respectful man both as you look on the outside and as you look on the inside behind home doors. He is also a faith-filled man. His faith is one my main attractions to him. (note: not the reason I haven't posted in awhile, keep reading ;))

My faith has grown in leaps and bounds – I have my domestic violence experience, survival, and recovery processes to thank for that. There will never be enough words to describe my appreciation for the greatest thing that has come from that whole experience.

The Ugly:

I couldn’t make it in the first apartment past 8 months due to finances/pay cuts. I spent way too much money on a deposit for our current place because I wanted to “get out” of my parents’ house and be on my own. “Being responsible” took all of a 3 minute poor financial decision, with no consultation because I was an “adult,” and cost well over 1K in one day. We all know that you are lucky to get any deposits back on apartments. 

I love what I do and who I truly serve in my work. For the kiddo, I had to go part time, which was a good decision for my family. It is tough on the finances. My job and its owners are a different story. It is a struggle to go in most days because of the aforementioned. I know I am called to serve but have no idea where I am meant to be lead inside this career right now.  Though we have shelter, food, and clothing – we do so paycheck to paycheck as I beg for more daytime hours. It was still the right family decision however. 

I went through two fast, very unhealthy relationships when I thought I was ready that first year and a half. It took a lot of heartache, self-blame, and recovering again. I then took a year only to myself, God, and my faith. I studied relationships without being in one and made a set of healthy rules to follow in the future. Only then did I stumble upon someone who is becoming, if not already, my best friend. 

Finding my faith took first finding the most extreme pain I have ever imagined, scream, yell, and cry silently and out loud even at God. It took a total of 2-3 years to get to a solid place and it is thankfully still growing every day.  Lately, I have had to try extra hard to keep my faith solid in the everyday, amidst all the trials of the modern world. I am keeping the faith but it is not without God given grace some days. 

More Good -What I Hope Domestic Violence Awareness and Recovery can be going forward for survivors:

Explaining that just getting out of your situation is great, you survived it! However, being a recovered survivor means learning a new way of life, respect for life, and new skills to really live as a thriver and not just a survivor. 

When you think/feel you are ready to graduate from any therapy or domestic violence therapy/education programs – go to at least two more sessions. I quit while I was behind, thinking I was ahead. I do truly believe that I would have learned more great tools and ways to deal with my new life if I would have gone to just a couple more sessions. It could have given me a little more wisdom to avoid some of that “ugly” mentioned above.

Don’t be ashamed to go back to your family, church, friends, etc. even if you have been away for awhile. Abusers often try and separate you from things and these good people so that they don’t see what is really happening or what kind of shape you are in. Going back will help you and it’s ok to go back to lean on that support and grow your new life.

Life Skills: This is a big one and an area I think Domestic Violence organizations can grow in is teaching some life skills classes. They do a great job at helping people dress and prepare for job interviews, however, some survivors never got the basic education on budgets, finances, new relationships, healthy eating and exercise for overall wellness. I know I would (could still) have benefited from classes or sessions on those topics. Make overall wise decisions.

Shampoo: That’s right – I mean rinse, lather, repeat shampoo. I mentioned on how I was struggling paycheck to paycheck and though I have hot water and a place to shower, toiletries are a living expense. I would like to see some places have some donations (even travel size) of basic household needs/goods/pantry food available….heck even toilet paper people for those of us who may have a job but nothing in the bank account to pay for “luxuries” such as conditioner. I recently went to a mega store hoping for a sale and used $3.02 of my last $5 (after rent and bills were paid) so I could use more than a dime on my hair and body – it was one of the best showers I have had in my life!

So that’s my story for now to help maybe one person, one survivor do it a little bit better than me – so they are not making that desperately calculated mega-store run.  We are doing great and we are past the bad, but we can always thrive! 

Sundays With Work

I am sitting here, typing this on my phone, at work. 

My daughter is at my parents' house and was yesterday as well after being informed "no it's not a dad weekend" after asking because of reasons she will unfortunately understand sooner than later.....if not already.

The nurse in the other room is having "the talk" again with a family who won't let someone who will not get better go. I am medically taking care of this person today and it is not a good situation from a medical standpoint. 

A little more than once a month, this is my Sunday. I also just talked with a friend who had to leave their family today for work out of state. This posed to me the question: In today's modern world, how do we stay well when demands of work encroach on our family, spiritual, or personal time? 

Like I told my friend, I wish I had an out so that we could just say "no, my family comes first" or "no, my spiritual life comes first," or even "no, my mental well being comes first," but in today's world sometimes we just can't. So we have to find our own ways during those times:

Find 5 minutes. Find just five quiet minutes (alone if you can) to just breathe, decompress, be silent, be spiritual, whatever you need. Repeat if you can as needed.

Take a caffeine break, I mean take a break from the caffeine.  I LOVE coffee and work in a hospital, however, some hot lemon water can do some major good to your body. Smell it, taste it, let it warm you up - it's also a nice change up from the old bean. 

If you have to be away from family, make sure they text, send pictures, call, etc. I know the first initial smile it puts on your may be followed by that twinge of pain, longing, or guilt that you can't be there in real time - but you still get that first smile and it's good for them to stay in touch too - especially the kids. 

Social media - keep tweets, posts, pics positive. Now don't go overboard "working 50 hours a week is great" or "having a great time away in this 4 hour training," just be careful because it affects your mood (sadly enough). Or if you need to, take a break - sometimes the envy of reading what all your "free friends" are doing can make you look down on your own situation. Remember, no one is all roses.

Move. Even 10 jumping jacks, squats, or crunches can boost your energy, your mood, and fill in the time gaps. Even in an airport or the creepy hospital stairwell - who cares who sees, an added bonus of a show! 

Most important - 30 second dance party to whatever grooves you while remembering, somehow you CAN change your situation. Even one small step can help you change your stars.

Until we can change our "working to live" into more of a "live, laugh, love" lifestyle (and we can if we have faith that we can), set limits, adjust yourself to the situation, and take a minute to breathe. 

Not On The List

I was on Pinterest today, the lovely suburban woman I am (not so much), looking at different scripture/bible verses for various feelings and needs in life. What I then discovered was that what I was looking for was not on the list: when you need to praise God. Seriously, yes I along with many others look up in their time of need I won't mislead you on that. Yet today I wanted to find a way, other than my own little words, to praise God for the blessings I DO have. Right now, this moment.  

Though I could easily go through a list of things that need prayer in my life, things are good. I wish I could go into detail right now but you have probably noticed I am taking a bit of hiatus from social media for personal reasons. I could pray for guidance on that, but again right now I realize that it's a good thing, I have a bit more real time to get real things done, and honestly I'm less stressed!  It's a nice break, because of family spread out all over it may not be permanent, but again nice for now.

I went to bed last night and had such a feeling of happiness, not just contempt, but joy if you will - despite the usual "stressors." I would be lying if I said it wasn't weird, but it was a good weird. Maybe I'm just getting this whole "live, life, love" thing down ;)

So if you believe in God, a higher power, the universe, karma, ju ju and things are not going horrendously in your life - take a time out to say thank you. 

St. Elmo's Fire

Earlier this summer I wrote about an opportunity to go to decrease one day a week from my very long work days in order to spend more time, well morning/evening time with the kiddo, well I did take that choice. I still do not negate my choice, but at the time I had about 10-14 days to make the decision and then it would not go into effect for another two months. I thought that would surely (don’t call me Shirley) give me enough time to find something to fill in the financial gap – maybe even increase it.  I even talked to the person in charge of the change at work and they had a possible summer option. A possible summer option that turned out to be not an option when I found out I was actually going part-time by the powers that be.

Fast-forward to today: I found myself driving home from Starbucks after squeezing in an extra couple hours at a meeting in work, where I actually found myself quite helpful, but after doing some online work to try and earn maybe an extra $15 this month, checking on current job applications (of which there had been many) – more standstill news, an email to a company contact, and learning that A had extra tutoring after school so no impromptu coffee date, I felt in adequate.  After reading that you may ask why?! You are doing what you can, you are not getting any support from the donor of the kiddo (I do have an appointment on that coming up, super), you are doing what you can in this market.

On the drive home, I prayed, freaked out a little, prayed some more, told myself I was doing all I could, thinking about an opportunity I don’t really want to take up in November but may have too, and heard the song “Overcomer” as I pulled in and parked. I let the song play out, came inside, told myself “take a short nap, you’ll wake up feel better, eat lunch, get on some filing for the CS meeting next week, etc.” Well, hello subconscious nightmare! The one where you are in your apartment that is completely empty saying “how did it get to this point” to someone. Yeah, that one.

So obviously I am having some issues with the job thing. A few days ago I got off of Facebook, other reasons, but I think that may be a good thing for now – I will be honest and say that as much as I want to be completely secure with what I have/how much I make, not comparing to others is a good thing right now. I have never had to trust in God this much or have so much faith that it is all (financially) going to be OK in my entire life. Not to mention I have gone over a year without asking for a loan for a week to get to the next from the folks, which would be immediately paid back two weeks later. I don’t have a two weeks right now – but I may have to grovel slightly, making the news/decision I recently told them about that much…..hard to defend. Even though I am 30-something. Seriously people, cut the cord. After all, my 401K is completely intact and slightly decent.

The Road Map

Driving home from now what is becoming a familiar place and a place where part of my heart often stays, I decided to not use my phone’s GPS; I knew the way for the most part from previous trips and I just wasn’t in the mood to listen to directions or look at a screen. It’s been a long and exhausting weekend, not to say that it wasn't good – just a lot to fit into 36 hours.

My current spot in my life’s journey has me feeling the same way and if you re-call a few posts back when I was packing for this particular leg of the journey a road map was not on my packing list. I think I am finally learning a little bit how to actually deal with not having a road map to lead me on my way.  I know how to read the signs and although I have no sense of direction in real life (Never Eat Shredded Wheat), I know that both in physically getting somewhere and getting somewhere in life I can always get off at the next exit, turn around, and try again.

Not that coming to this point has been easy because me and the unknown – we don’t mix. Actually, until last night I was holding it all together, appearing to be strong as possible, not stopping, and scrambling in any way I could. But I felt a disconnect with who is leading this journey, God, and it sucked but I tried to keep muddling through. Then last night I was lucky enough to have a shoulder to let it all go, let it all out.  Admitting that disconnect out loud was difficult, but it was needed, very similar to getting off at the exit ramp, regrouping and trying to find my way back.

So now I am attempting to embrace this lack of a road map thing as best as possible with what I have. I tried in the smallest way, but a big and very new way to connect back with God in the “physical” sense, I am printing out two different study guides to life/faith to help keep me on the right path in faith and The Word, this week instead of focusing so much on what I get done in a specific time frame I am just focusing on a couple important tasks themselves, I realize also that even though there are so many things out of my control – I can use that notebook to make goals for the kiddo that I know cost no physical money.

Hopefully all this will lead me to the last of my list, steady feet and my extra pair of dry socks as the original pair have seemed to gotten a little muddied, but they will dry. 

Always Look At The Bright Side Of Life

Today was a “work from home” day – why all the quotes you ask my friends? Well because the “work” is applying for more jobs and getting pennies online work as well as the business start-up work, “from home” because sometimes it’s from home but I usually try and start out at Starbucks in business casual so I don’t just return home from school drop off and take a “little” (two hour) nap.

It just so happened that I was able to force myself into Starbucks this morning after drop off and about halfway into my coffee, my dad (who actually works from home or remote areas at times) walked in fancy pants and all. So that is where I get the dress up even if you don’t have an office to go to thing, btw. And I am glad that I did because after applying for more jobs, after paying bills, AFTER transferring more from savings we had a little chat. The words he left me with were not ones that I expected, such as “you should have waited longer to go part time” or “I always told you never to make a move until you have something else lined up.” No – his parting words were “stay positive, the kiddo knows nothing but an extremely happy life. Do something fun today.”

I needed that – to hear from someone who I didn't expect to tell me to stay positive because what I see as the important basics (i.e. my child happy to have mom around more after school and a close to normal schedule life and happy overall) are taken care of. That is all I want, but money just happens to be a necessary evil that requires a single mom to work full time in order to make ends meet. I was not down, not “not positive,” but at the same time certain words from certain people at the right time helps.

Positive Truths

1)      God is watching out. He has a plan and although I am not sitting doing nothing, I am still also waiting and having faith that it will sooner than later be revealed to me.

2)      The kiddo is happy and more thriving having more of a “family life.” More dinners at the table, time to play after school, more answers to all of her growing “why” questions, and praying at the table at dinner.

3)      I have more energy to do the things that I need to do, energy is a hot commodity of a single mom of a Sheldon 3 year-old with sensory issues to boot.

4)      I am happier, giving me more time to devote to the things in life that matter. Not just fumble through scripture while half-asleep for an allotted 5-10 minutes.

5)      Today we have our same roof, ate well AND healthy, the car is gassed up, and the sun is shining.

6)      There is only one way to go from here and I know The Truth.

So to ease concern:

Just Give A Little Whistle

Back To School...I Mean Back To Basics

It's that time of year again when the last summer vacations, photos, and jumps in the pool start to get replaced with first school year photos, back to school shopping, a small but noticeable nip in the air, and football, of course.

I have to admit by looking back at some of my blog posts recently that I have a definate flag on the playing field. I have used it too much to vent about my own things in life and while that is some of the purpose of blogging, it is not it's meant to be purpose. I created this as a place for other moms, single moms, singles, anyone who is in need of not feeling like they are the only one to go through something similar on my journey to come and laugh, cry, or breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe even find some peace.

Hence, back to basics. Back to the basic supplies you need to learn about life, to be guided by teachers of all walks of life, pack my bag with only the necessities, and continue on and to share my journey with you all. I have all summer been asking myself what to pack with me on my journey to get the most out of it and here is what I have come up with:

1) God
2) Faith
3) The Word - the best map, how-to guide, and storybook there is out there
4) Time - I am tired of rushing and scheduling for my journey, I want to let something/someone bigger take that on
5) A notebook - always good to write down one's thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams...then lay them aside for them to not fret on the mind
6) Steady feet and an extra pair of socks of course because it's not always going to be an easy, dry road

I want to focus on my journey, note - not focus on myself, but the journey I am meant to live, or lead, or serve, whatever way God has planned for me. I want to share the good of that with you, not the angst or anger or sadness for things that are not that important.

I know there are some FAQ's here now, especially since I was called today because of my lack of online activity and some online activity of others, lol. No really, my dad called to try and be sly to check up on me because of lack of and others' Facebook posts.:

Am I still with A?  Yes, very much so, still very much in love, and building our foundation. However, note "our foundation," some things I may still share but it truly is our journey and our foundation and I want to respect that as much as A respects me.

How is the job stuff working out? Let me just say I made the right decision. I had the opportunity today to drop off the kiddo at school, work a long day, PICK UP the kiddo from school, make dinner and darn if that kiddo didn't color on her own, her own idea FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER as I made dinner then had a conversation WITH me during dinner. This is amazing for her!!!

No, really, are you making it financially? If I said it wasn't tough, I would be untruthful. However, we have the same roof, utilities (including the luxury of internet), and food for another month. God will provide just as he will provide or help me on the path he wishes me to take in my work in the world. Part of that is literally making my dream a reality - more on that later but it's actually happening!

If I am missing anything, let me know. And before I go, I wanted to share the fruition of another single mother's journey of "the unexpected summer of single moms," she is great and has been on my whole journey in some way shape or form, in fact though I don't have any of the gifts, I do have the receipt from the wedding gift she sent me almost 6 years ago, haha!

http://amandacarroll.org/30-days-of-powerful-prayer-for-a-single-mom/


Pack only what you need and join us on our journeys!

The Truth Hurts

A, I am asking you not to read this, not a passive aggressive attempt at anything, just please don’t read this.

 

I had a post awhile back about always telling the truth to those closest to you, if you took that advice and got hurt I apologize because it wasn't until now or sometime last night that I realized how much being completely honest with you feelings can hurt.

Truth 1: I went part-time on a one income household, that took effect 10 days ago, and I have no leads on a part-time/PRN job. Did I apply for many? Yes, which leads me to the next truth below:

Truth 2: It’s time to start looking at retail jobs. There is nothing wrong with that, except if/when I take/get one – it means not being available for interviews when the time comes for “qualified candidate” jobs.

Truth 3: In talking with A last night, I discovered my worst fear (aside from anything with the kiddo), I need/possibly love someone more than they need (for sure)/love (this is hard to figure out) me.

Truth 4: In talking with A last night, I discovered that I have more to lose if I lose him than he does if he lost me.

Truth 5: The above means I’m flipping vulnerable as heck and ask a “strong” single mom what the worst feeling/realization of emotion is. Being flipping vulnerable.

Truth 6: Outside of A, work, and mommy-ing, I have no life. I have a pre-schooler with what would have been called Asperger’s. I can’t get a sitter, I am not a million friend person and my few friends are busy with their own lives right now – so there you go.

Truth 7: Limbo is the worst for me and if you read all of the above truths they all lead to limbo.

 

I will most likely see A again tomorrow afternoon at work and then later that night, he will to my joy stay over, and we will spend most if not all of Saturday together and finally get together for a fire pit/double date night with my bestie. I think part of the reason this makes me more happy is that it is my friend, a little level of comfort in that there is someone there for me too. Don’t get me wrong, A is and has been there for me, but a certain event anniversary is coming up and I know I have to be there for him. This isn’t a hard thing, but when you love the other person as much as I do – their pain is your pain, this pain A needs to go through will be painful for me to watch (but I will because I love him so much) because it revolves around life before me, a person before me, but I will do it because it is what he needs. And like I said and promised what seems like a very long time ago, I will always give him what he needs because I love him. I just worry about the other side of that today. 

Chest Pains

Warning: A and Elaine - you may not want to scroll down because as I begin this post I do not know how honest I may get and some of that may be anger towards a difficult topic. I love you both but this is my outlet and tonight I need something of a healthy outlet.


Last Chance........................................................I mean it A and Elaine, no details but I am not holding my feelings back either. It's not about either of you, but I know the subject can still be sore.


I was at work when I got a text from my dad that read "Didn't know who to contact. No visit today. Severe chest pain. Waiting on doctor. Text from X this morning." X would be biological dad to the kiddo, and it took me (and others) a minute to figure out that her bio dad was texting that he wouldn't make it for the visit that day. This isn't the first time, but it was the second time of this issue in the last 6 months, and honestly not the first time I have wondered - is he gonna make it this time or is this it? Many hope for the latter, I honestly could care less. And I have made my Christian peace with that; I treat people who do bad things to themselves and come in with chest pain all the time in my job and I do so with compassion though after I am out of the room I am done. Just like with the kiddo's donor - I, myself, am done.

Then I got mad - it was about another subject that had happened not even a half hour earlier. Another text had caused me chest pains, or rather the meaning behind it. I won't go into great detail - but I read words that gave me chest pains or should I say heart pains. I learned that I had to share something within my heart with A that comes from a place I do not know and may never understand. From a person who just like the kiddo's biological father has caused people I love a great deal of pain with a road to recovery that is not always easy for them or their loved ones.

I am still quite upset because I do not understand why people who have no regard, and I mean that, NO regard for others at all - no matter the age or relation mind you - cause others the type of pain that is lasting, aching, comes out of no where after being dormant for some time, kind of pain deep down in others' chests. Have they no heart? No compassion? No respect? Some would answer that these people deserve the chest pain, but I choose to break it down a little like the text that was sent by the kiddo's biological father.

"Didn't know who to contact." Well, when you alienate all of those around you, lie, cheat, steal and do not show compassion, kindness or even respect; who do you think you are going to have left to contact?

"No visit today." This is no surprise, you do not care to visit even when you are well. You do not care to let anyone, including blood family into your life or break into parts of your life where one could afford to sacrifice just a little more time. So why do you think they don't flinch when you don't show up or change plans last minute or even don't want to be with you because they know who their people are, the people they can count on. The people who give them a home.

"Severe chest pain." I am not saying these folks deserve it, only that they caused it by the life they are choosing to lead. When you do not make your heart healthy and open, it is going to backfire on you and it is not going to feel good when it does. Sorry - it's a fact.

"Waiting on doctor." I think of the Great Physician in these terms - myself and the other humans here are not the ones who can heal you or your heart. Only God can do that, even if you don't believe he is ever coming. Only He can give you the diagnosis, prognosis, and last judgment on things - that is not what my posse or I am here for, we can only sacrifice ourselves to make you a bit more comfortable while you wait.

Tonight, while I still have my own pain to deal with, these are my thoughts. A and Elaine, if either of you are reading this now more power to you and I am sorry if you recognize this pain. But I am real, I need to write, and I need to share this with all the other people who have felt aching and longing. And if anyone who has caused that pain is reading this, let me share with you a little medical rule - we never shock a dead heart.

Perspective: It's All in How You Look at Things - Or What You See

As I was what felt like knee deep in prayer this morning, praying for my relationship with A and that we continue to let God lead our love in His direction but at the same time looking ahead to the next prayer of please God help me find supplement work soon - the light changed to red, I stopped, and saw a homeless man shoulder deep in a trash can digging for food. Immediately, I thanked God that I was not or will be digging in a trash can for food. Talk about a perspective moment, wow!

That made me put a couple of things that had/are on my mind into perspective a bit, or at least the way I look at them.

Kiddo's Birthday Dinner: Well it didn't happen, with me anyways. Just as I finalized plans with my mom to have dinner with just my mom, the kiddo, and myself (A was in town, I wanted him to come, but to my mother birthdays are for mothers so I decided to make that small selfish sacrifice for her) I got a phone email alert....it was the kiddo's biological father replying that he would be picking the kiddo up for a state obligatory visit in three hours,but kept to two and half hours per him needing to be at work. Thank you for the notice sir, I thought sarcastically, as I had sent my portion of the email 24 hours prior.
Perspective: I was able to turn things around a little bit, spend time with the kiddo and bring her cupcakes at school, and arrange instead to have dinner with my mom and A - their first of more intimate meetings. I think it went OK.

The Kiddo's Birthday Gift: I had the kiddo's birthday party on the weekend since her birthday fell on a weekday this year. So she got all her stuff on party day from me as I neglected to hold anything back or grab the time to get something small for her to open on her actual birthday.
Perspective: Though she may actually remember, I do not think she will mind. Also, A and I went looking after dinner with my mom - and he was great enough to keep looking as I ran out of time but A met me just in time for bedtime to give me something he picked up for me. A even offered that I could give her his present. Yes, more perspective, this generous man got her a birthday gift and a very thoughtful one. More perspective, as you will read below I am taking a huge leap in faith and the kiddo's real gift is more mom time.

Job Change: I made the decision a few months back to back some hours off of work, this way I can pick the kiddo up from school more often rather than have her grandparents in charge. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just know she needs mom time and a more stable routine than 14 hour days on my shift days. I have not yet found non-shift type work to fill this financial void, hence the prayer mentioned above, but have faith that it will all be OK.
Perspective: I still have a job, insurance, a roof, and food that I am not digging out of a trash can for and I do not believe I will reach that point for my family. But please still pray or ju ju or good thoughts - whatever your beliefs may be.

My Relationship "status" with A: I love him and am in love with him. Those closest to my heart know that, our respective kids know that, our family knows but our parents are not that receptive. Well folks, I know this is kind of....a may seem quick announcement, though it shouldn't be, am planning to move to an apartment up towards A in the late fall with the kiddo. That's right, just the kiddo and me in our own place and not 30 miles from A, still in same commuter distance, etc. A and I had the discussion that we felt we had to rationalize this to everyone and didn't have doubts about our thoughts on this because we don't have any but we know we will be met with opposition.
Perspective: Well, this is kind of a who cares?! The time we have spent has been spent wisely on topics that are very much deep and important and free and honest. Our love is true, based on God, and continued through His will, which is something we both pray for and on daily. It grows by the hour it seems, the faith and the love. Plus, we are not moving in together for purposeful reasons but want to be closer because add mileage into a non-summer (he is a teacher) schedule of a full time single mom who works and a single dad who works and has his kids at least half the time and things get difficult. I would move somewhere anyways - and well here I am rationalizing to all of you. I mainly just ask for your support. This is happening, though a change not a giant leap, for us a small step to see if we are headed in the direction we are feeling we are being lead by hearts and by God.

So there! Kidding - I mean my point in all of the above is it's really just how you look at things and who you are and who you are in looking at things. I could have let the world crash down the other day on the kiddo's birthday, or spiral into sleep rather than attend a painful work meeting to get a couple of extra hours in, or start some painful legal paperwork that will hopefully, eventually lead to some financial boost or less emotional drain for me and the kiddo. And we are lucky to be alive, fairly healthy, and not doing the below like SO many out there for which I will say some extra prayers today:

Birthdays as the Only Parent

I was ready to die, I was ready to go, my emotional bags were packed - my only concern was for the child I luckily didn't miss out on. 

The kiddo was a very quick, unscheduled, emergency C-section. I was legally and mentally prepared for the moment when I found that news out. Unlike anyone else involved, I was prepared to go - but it was not my time. I am told there is a reason why I was to stick around, the one obvious reasonis my daughter. To be a single mom is one thing, however, to be an only parent is a completely different story. Add in special needs kiddo and add another book.

The main thing though on the kiddo's birthdays is there is no one to turn to, literally. I cannot turn to the left or the right while ordering, shopping, or wrapping gifts (note to self pink wrapping paper on the way home), there was no doting father in the hospital or person to give the "what the hell just happend here" look too on night #2 in the hospital, tonight I will bake the cake while the kiddo sleeps so it will be done safely/correctly, and tommorow I will split my time to ice said cake and teach my daughter how to ride her first bike. And this is only the beginning of year 4. 

We have friends, a few close ones do t get me wrong, and I have A who is great with her as well - but per circumstances this year, I do all this alone while her grandparents watch from the window. There will be no other parent to tape her ride, to say "hey, I'll play outside while you wrap the presents and finish the cake." Though my focus is usually on the kiddo, I always find myself looking up for someone as she finishes blowing out the candles. No is there, nor was there when I looked around during her first feeding. It's not the work that is hard or the missing of her biological father, not those things at all - it's the lack of a parent partner for her life and mine as a mother that hurts. 

That's the sting of only parent birthdays - you can't completely share it. Friends and family help when they can be there, but it's not the same and as I said circumstances prevent our tribe this year. Tribe members and A: I get it, I'm not mad, it's fine. Life happens. 

I've written this throughout the day before her party; and no it didn't get easier. However, I am a bit better now because I got a hug from my mom who "was a single mom for 5 years....I know, I know" and I got to let someone see my tears. 

My hope that is the parties will not always be small, that maybe on her 6th or 7th birthday I will turn and look at A who will more intimately know those 3-4 years in between, and I will miss this feeling. And if I miss it, this feeling will be no more.