Not On The List

I was on Pinterest today, the lovely suburban woman I am (not so much), looking at different scripture/bible verses for various feelings and needs in life. What I then discovered was that what I was looking for was not on the list: when you need to praise God. Seriously, yes I along with many others look up in their time of need I won't mislead you on that. Yet today I wanted to find a way, other than my own little words, to praise God for the blessings I DO have. Right now, this moment.  

Though I could easily go through a list of things that need prayer in my life, things are good. I wish I could go into detail right now but you have probably noticed I am taking a bit of hiatus from social media for personal reasons. I could pray for guidance on that, but again right now I realize that it's a good thing, I have a bit more real time to get real things done, and honestly I'm less stressed!  It's a nice break, because of family spread out all over it may not be permanent, but again nice for now.

I went to bed last night and had such a feeling of happiness, not just contempt, but joy if you will - despite the usual "stressors." I would be lying if I said it wasn't weird, but it was a good weird. Maybe I'm just getting this whole "live, life, love" thing down ;)

So if you believe in God, a higher power, the universe, karma, ju ju and things are not going horrendously in your life - take a time out to say thank you. 

St. Elmo's Fire

Earlier this summer I wrote about an opportunity to go to decrease one day a week from my very long work days in order to spend more time, well morning/evening time with the kiddo, well I did take that choice. I still do not negate my choice, but at the time I had about 10-14 days to make the decision and then it would not go into effect for another two months. I thought that would surely (don’t call me Shirley) give me enough time to find something to fill in the financial gap – maybe even increase it.  I even talked to the person in charge of the change at work and they had a possible summer option. A possible summer option that turned out to be not an option when I found out I was actually going part-time by the powers that be.

Fast-forward to today: I found myself driving home from Starbucks after squeezing in an extra couple hours at a meeting in work, where I actually found myself quite helpful, but after doing some online work to try and earn maybe an extra $15 this month, checking on current job applications (of which there had been many) – more standstill news, an email to a company contact, and learning that A had extra tutoring after school so no impromptu coffee date, I felt in adequate.  After reading that you may ask why?! You are doing what you can, you are not getting any support from the donor of the kiddo (I do have an appointment on that coming up, super), you are doing what you can in this market.

On the drive home, I prayed, freaked out a little, prayed some more, told myself I was doing all I could, thinking about an opportunity I don’t really want to take up in November but may have too, and heard the song “Overcomer” as I pulled in and parked. I let the song play out, came inside, told myself “take a short nap, you’ll wake up feel better, eat lunch, get on some filing for the CS meeting next week, etc.” Well, hello subconscious nightmare! The one where you are in your apartment that is completely empty saying “how did it get to this point” to someone. Yeah, that one.

So obviously I am having some issues with the job thing. A few days ago I got off of Facebook, other reasons, but I think that may be a good thing for now – I will be honest and say that as much as I want to be completely secure with what I have/how much I make, not comparing to others is a good thing right now. I have never had to trust in God this much or have so much faith that it is all (financially) going to be OK in my entire life. Not to mention I have gone over a year without asking for a loan for a week to get to the next from the folks, which would be immediately paid back two weeks later. I don’t have a two weeks right now – but I may have to grovel slightly, making the news/decision I recently told them about that much…..hard to defend. Even though I am 30-something. Seriously people, cut the cord. After all, my 401K is completely intact and slightly decent.

The Road Map

Driving home from now what is becoming a familiar place and a place where part of my heart often stays, I decided to not use my phone’s GPS; I knew the way for the most part from previous trips and I just wasn’t in the mood to listen to directions or look at a screen. It’s been a long and exhausting weekend, not to say that it wasn't good – just a lot to fit into 36 hours.

My current spot in my life’s journey has me feeling the same way and if you re-call a few posts back when I was packing for this particular leg of the journey a road map was not on my packing list. I think I am finally learning a little bit how to actually deal with not having a road map to lead me on my way.  I know how to read the signs and although I have no sense of direction in real life (Never Eat Shredded Wheat), I know that both in physically getting somewhere and getting somewhere in life I can always get off at the next exit, turn around, and try again.

Not that coming to this point has been easy because me and the unknown – we don’t mix. Actually, until last night I was holding it all together, appearing to be strong as possible, not stopping, and scrambling in any way I could. But I felt a disconnect with who is leading this journey, God, and it sucked but I tried to keep muddling through. Then last night I was lucky enough to have a shoulder to let it all go, let it all out.  Admitting that disconnect out loud was difficult, but it was needed, very similar to getting off at the exit ramp, regrouping and trying to find my way back.

So now I am attempting to embrace this lack of a road map thing as best as possible with what I have. I tried in the smallest way, but a big and very new way to connect back with God in the “physical” sense, I am printing out two different study guides to life/faith to help keep me on the right path in faith and The Word, this week instead of focusing so much on what I get done in a specific time frame I am just focusing on a couple important tasks themselves, I realize also that even though there are so many things out of my control – I can use that notebook to make goals for the kiddo that I know cost no physical money.

Hopefully all this will lead me to the last of my list, steady feet and my extra pair of dry socks as the original pair have seemed to gotten a little muddied, but they will dry. 

Always Look At The Bright Side Of Life

Today was a “work from home” day – why all the quotes you ask my friends? Well because the “work” is applying for more jobs and getting pennies online work as well as the business start-up work, “from home” because sometimes it’s from home but I usually try and start out at Starbucks in business casual so I don’t just return home from school drop off and take a “little” (two hour) nap.

It just so happened that I was able to force myself into Starbucks this morning after drop off and about halfway into my coffee, my dad (who actually works from home or remote areas at times) walked in fancy pants and all. So that is where I get the dress up even if you don’t have an office to go to thing, btw. And I am glad that I did because after applying for more jobs, after paying bills, AFTER transferring more from savings we had a little chat. The words he left me with were not ones that I expected, such as “you should have waited longer to go part time” or “I always told you never to make a move until you have something else lined up.” No – his parting words were “stay positive, the kiddo knows nothing but an extremely happy life. Do something fun today.”

I needed that – to hear from someone who I didn't expect to tell me to stay positive because what I see as the important basics (i.e. my child happy to have mom around more after school and a close to normal schedule life and happy overall) are taken care of. That is all I want, but money just happens to be a necessary evil that requires a single mom to work full time in order to make ends meet. I was not down, not “not positive,” but at the same time certain words from certain people at the right time helps.

Positive Truths

1)      God is watching out. He has a plan and although I am not sitting doing nothing, I am still also waiting and having faith that it will sooner than later be revealed to me.

2)      The kiddo is happy and more thriving having more of a “family life.” More dinners at the table, time to play after school, more answers to all of her growing “why” questions, and praying at the table at dinner.

3)      I have more energy to do the things that I need to do, energy is a hot commodity of a single mom of a Sheldon 3 year-old with sensory issues to boot.

4)      I am happier, giving me more time to devote to the things in life that matter. Not just fumble through scripture while half-asleep for an allotted 5-10 minutes.

5)      Today we have our same roof, ate well AND healthy, the car is gassed up, and the sun is shining.

6)      There is only one way to go from here and I know The Truth.

So to ease concern:

Just Give A Little Whistle