Thursday, July 31, 2014

Back To School...I Mean Back To Basics

It's that time of year again when the last summer vacations, photos, and jumps in the pool start to get replaced with first school year photos, back to school shopping, a small but noticeable nip in the air, and football, of course.

I have to admit by looking back at some of my blog posts recently that I have a definate flag on the playing field. I have used it too much to vent about my own things in life and while that is some of the purpose of blogging, it is not it's meant to be purpose. I created this as a place for other moms, single moms, singles, anyone who is in need of not feeling like they are the only one to go through something similar on my journey to come and laugh, cry, or breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe even find some peace.

Hence, back to basics. Back to the basic supplies you need to learn about life, to be guided by teachers of all walks of life, pack my bag with only the necessities, and continue on and to share my journey with you all. I have all summer been asking myself what to pack with me on my journey to get the most out of it and here is what I have come up with:

1) God
2) Faith
3) The Word - the best map, how-to guide, and storybook there is out there
4) Time - I am tired of rushing and scheduling for my journey, I want to let something/someone bigger take that on
5) A notebook - always good to write down one's thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams...then lay them aside for them to not fret on the mind
6) Steady feet and an extra pair of socks of course because it's not always going to be an easy, dry road

I want to focus on my journey, note - not focus on myself, but the journey I am meant to live, or lead, or serve, whatever way God has planned for me. I want to share the good of that with you, not the angst or anger or sadness for things that are not that important.

I know there are some FAQ's here now, especially since I was called today because of my lack of online activity and some online activity of others, lol. No really, my dad called to try and be sly to check up on me because of lack of and others' Facebook posts.:

Am I still with A?  Yes, very much so, still very much in love, and building our foundation. However, note "our foundation," some things I may still share but it truly is our journey and our foundation and I want to respect that as much as A respects me.

How is the job stuff working out? Let me just say I made the right decision. I had the opportunity today to drop off the kiddo at school, work a long day, PICK UP the kiddo from school, make dinner and darn if that kiddo didn't color on her own, her own idea FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER as I made dinner then had a conversation WITH me during dinner. This is amazing for her!!!

No, really, are you making it financially? If I said it wasn't tough, I would be untruthful. However, we have the same roof, utilities (including the luxury of internet), and food for another month. God will provide just as he will provide or help me on the path he wishes me to take in my work in the world. Part of that is literally making my dream a reality - more on that later but it's actually happening!

If I am missing anything, let me know. And before I go, I wanted to share the fruition of another single mother's journey of "the unexpected summer of single moms," she is great and has been on my whole journey in some way shape or form, in fact though I don't have any of the gifts, I do have the receipt from the wedding gift she sent me almost 6 years ago, haha!

Pack only what you need and join us on our journeys!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Truth Hurts

A, I am asking you not to read this, not a passive aggressive attempt at anything, just please don’t read this.


I had a post awhile back about always telling the truth to those closest to you, if you took that advice and got hurt I apologize because it wasn't until now or sometime last night that I realized how much being completely honest with you feelings can hurt.

Truth 1: I went part-time on a one income household, that took effect 10 days ago, and I have no leads on a part-time/PRN job. Did I apply for many? Yes, which leads me to the next truth below:

Truth 2: It’s time to start looking at retail jobs. There is nothing wrong with that, except if/when I take/get one – it means not being available for interviews when the time comes for “qualified candidate” jobs.

Truth 3: In talking with A last night, I discovered my worst fear (aside from anything with the kiddo), I need/possibly love someone more than they need (for sure)/love (this is hard to figure out) me.

Truth 4: In talking with A last night, I discovered that I have more to lose if I lose him than he does if he lost me.

Truth 5: The above means I’m flipping vulnerable as heck and ask a “strong” single mom what the worst feeling/realization of emotion is. Being flipping vulnerable.

Truth 6: Outside of A, work, and mommy-ing, I have no life. I have a pre-schooler with what would have been called Asperger’s. I can’t get a sitter, I am not a million friend person and my few friends are busy with their own lives right now – so there you go.

Truth 7: Limbo is the worst for me and if you read all of the above truths they all lead to limbo.


I will most likely see A again tomorrow afternoon at work and then later that night, he will to my joy stay over, and we will spend most if not all of Saturday together and finally get together for a fire pit/double date night with my bestie. I think part of the reason this makes me more happy is that it is my friend, a little level of comfort in that there is someone there for me too. Don’t get me wrong, A is and has been there for me, but a certain event anniversary is coming up and I know I have to be there for him. This isn’t a hard thing, but when you love the other person as much as I do – their pain is your pain, this pain A needs to go through will be painful for me to watch (but I will because I love him so much) because it revolves around life before me, a person before me, but I will do it because it is what he needs. And like I said and promised what seems like a very long time ago, I will always give him what he needs because I love him. I just worry about the other side of that today. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Chest Pains

Warning: A and Elaine - you may not want to scroll down because as I begin this post I do not know how honest I may get and some of that may be anger towards a difficult topic. I love you both but this is my outlet and tonight I need something of a healthy outlet.

Last Chance........................................................I mean it A and Elaine, no details but I am not holding my feelings back either. It's not about either of you, but I know the subject can still be sore.

I was at work when I got a text from my dad that read "Didn't know who to contact. No visit today. Severe chest pain. Waiting on doctor. Text from X this morning." X would be biological dad to the kiddo, and it took me (and others) a minute to figure out that her bio dad was texting that he wouldn't make it for the visit that day. This isn't the first time, but it was the second time of this issue in the last 6 months, and honestly not the first time I have wondered - is he gonna make it this time or is this it? Many hope for the latter, I honestly could care less. And I have made my Christian peace with that; I treat people who do bad things to themselves and come in with chest pain all the time in my job and I do so with compassion though after I am out of the room I am done. Just like with the kiddo's donor - I, myself, am done.

Then I got mad - it was about another subject that had happened not even a half hour earlier. Another text had caused me chest pains, or rather the meaning behind it. I won't go into great detail - but I read words that gave me chest pains or should I say heart pains. I learned that I had to share something within my heart with A that comes from a place I do not know and may never understand. From a person who just like the kiddo's biological father has caused people I love a great deal of pain with a road to recovery that is not always easy for them or their loved ones.

I am still quite upset because I do not understand why people who have no regard, and I mean that, NO regard for others at all - no matter the age or relation mind you - cause others the type of pain that is lasting, aching, comes out of no where after being dormant for some time, kind of pain deep down in others' chests. Have they no heart? No compassion? No respect? Some would answer that these people deserve the chest pain, but I choose to break it down a little like the text that was sent by the kiddo's biological father.

"Didn't know who to contact." Well, when you alienate all of those around you, lie, cheat, steal and do not show compassion, kindness or even respect; who do you think you are going to have left to contact?

"No visit today." This is no surprise, you do not care to visit even when you are well. You do not care to let anyone, including blood family into your life or break into parts of your life where one could afford to sacrifice just a little more time. So why do you think they don't flinch when you don't show up or change plans last minute or even don't want to be with you because they know who their people are, the people they can count on. The people who give them a home.

"Severe chest pain." I am not saying these folks deserve it, only that they caused it by the life they are choosing to lead. When you do not make your heart healthy and open, it is going to backfire on you and it is not going to feel good when it does. Sorry - it's a fact.

"Waiting on doctor." I think of the Great Physician in these terms - myself and the other humans here are not the ones who can heal you or your heart. Only God can do that, even if you don't believe he is ever coming. Only He can give you the diagnosis, prognosis, and last judgment on things - that is not what my posse or I am here for, we can only sacrifice ourselves to make you a bit more comfortable while you wait.

Tonight, while I still have my own pain to deal with, these are my thoughts. A and Elaine, if either of you are reading this now more power to you and I am sorry if you recognize this pain. But I am real, I need to write, and I need to share this with all the other people who have felt aching and longing. And if anyone who has caused that pain is reading this, let me share with you a little medical rule - we never shock a dead heart.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Perspective: It's All in How You Look at Things - Or What You See

As I was what felt like knee deep in prayer this morning, praying for my relationship with A and that we continue to let God lead our love in His direction but at the same time looking ahead to the next prayer of please God help me find supplement work soon - the light changed to red, I stopped, and saw a homeless man shoulder deep in a trash can digging for food. Immediately, I thanked God that I was not or will be digging in a trash can for food. Talk about a perspective moment, wow!

That made me put a couple of things that had/are on my mind into perspective a bit, or at least the way I look at them.

Kiddo's Birthday Dinner: Well it didn't happen, with me anyways. Just as I finalized plans with my mom to have dinner with just my mom, the kiddo, and myself (A was in town, I wanted him to come, but to my mother birthdays are for mothers so I decided to make that small selfish sacrifice for her) I got a phone email was the kiddo's biological father replying that he would be picking the kiddo up for a state obligatory visit in three hours,but kept to two and half hours per him needing to be at work. Thank you for the notice sir, I thought sarcastically, as I had sent my portion of the email 24 hours prior.
Perspective: I was able to turn things around a little bit, spend time with the kiddo and bring her cupcakes at school, and arrange instead to have dinner with my mom and A - their first of more intimate meetings. I think it went OK.

The Kiddo's Birthday Gift: I had the kiddo's birthday party on the weekend since her birthday fell on a weekday this year. So she got all her stuff on party day from me as I neglected to hold anything back or grab the time to get something small for her to open on her actual birthday.
Perspective: Though she may actually remember, I do not think she will mind. Also, A and I went looking after dinner with my mom - and he was great enough to keep looking as I ran out of time but A met me just in time for bedtime to give me something he picked up for me. A even offered that I could give her his present. Yes, more perspective, this generous man got her a birthday gift and a very thoughtful one. More perspective, as you will read below I am taking a huge leap in faith and the kiddo's real gift is more mom time.

Job Change: I made the decision a few months back to back some hours off of work, this way I can pick the kiddo up from school more often rather than have her grandparents in charge. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just know she needs mom time and a more stable routine than 14 hour days on my shift days. I have not yet found non-shift type work to fill this financial void, hence the prayer mentioned above, but have faith that it will all be OK.
Perspective: I still have a job, insurance, a roof, and food that I am not digging out of a trash can for and I do not believe I will reach that point for my family. But please still pray or ju ju or good thoughts - whatever your beliefs may be.

My Relationship "status" with A: I love him and am in love with him. Those closest to my heart know that, our respective kids know that, our family knows but our parents are not that receptive. Well folks, I know this is kind of....a may seem quick announcement, though it shouldn't be, am planning to move to an apartment up towards A in the late fall with the kiddo. That's right, just the kiddo and me in our own place and not 30 miles from A, still in same commuter distance, etc. A and I had the discussion that we felt we had to rationalize this to everyone and didn't have doubts about our thoughts on this because we don't have any but we know we will be met with opposition.
Perspective: Well, this is kind of a who cares?! The time we have spent has been spent wisely on topics that are very much deep and important and free and honest. Our love is true, based on God, and continued through His will, which is something we both pray for and on daily. It grows by the hour it seems, the faith and the love. Plus, we are not moving in together for purposeful reasons but want to be closer because add mileage into a non-summer (he is a teacher) schedule of a full time single mom who works and a single dad who works and has his kids at least half the time and things get difficult. I would move somewhere anyways - and well here I am rationalizing to all of you. I mainly just ask for your support. This is happening, though a change not a giant leap, for us a small step to see if we are headed in the direction we are feeling we are being lead by hearts and by God.

So there! Kidding - I mean my point in all of the above is it's really just how you look at things and who you are and who you are in looking at things. I could have let the world crash down the other day on the kiddo's birthday, or spiral into sleep rather than attend a painful work meeting to get a couple of extra hours in, or start some painful legal paperwork that will hopefully, eventually lead to some financial boost or less emotional drain for me and the kiddo. And we are lucky to be alive, fairly healthy, and not doing the below like SO many out there for which I will say some extra prayers today:

Friday, July 11, 2014

Birthdays as the Only Parent

I was ready to die, I was ready to go, my emotional bags were packed - my only concern was for the child I luckily didn't miss out on. 

The kiddo was a very quick, unscheduled, emergency C-section. I was legally and mentally prepared for the moment when I found that news out. Unlike anyone else involved, I was prepared to go - but it was not my time. I am told there is a reason why I was to stick around, the one obvious reasonis my daughter. To be a single mom is one thing, however, to be an only parent is a completely different story. Add in special needs kiddo and add another book.

The main thing though on the kiddo's birthdays is there is no one to turn to, literally. I cannot turn to the left or the right while ordering, shopping, or wrapping gifts (note to self pink wrapping paper on the way home), there was no doting father in the hospital or person to give the "what the hell just happend here" look too on night #2 in the hospital, tonight I will bake the cake while the kiddo sleeps so it will be done safely/correctly, and tommorow I will split my time to ice said cake and teach my daughter how to ride her first bike. And this is only the beginning of year 4. 

We have friends, a few close ones do t get me wrong, and I have A who is great with her as well - but per circumstances this year, I do all this alone while her grandparents watch from the window. There will be no other parent to tape her ride, to say "hey, I'll play outside while you wrap the presents and finish the cake." Though my focus is usually on the kiddo, I always find myself looking up for someone as she finishes blowing out the candles. No is there, nor was there when I looked around during her first feeding. It's not the work that is hard or the missing of her biological father, not those things at all - it's the lack of a parent partner for her life and mine as a mother that hurts. 

That's the sting of only parent birthdays - you can't completely share it. Friends and family help when they can be there, but it's not the same and as I said circumstances prevent our tribe this year. Tribe members and A: I get it, I'm not mad, it's fine. Life happens. 

I've written this throughout the day before her party; and no it didn't get easier. However, I am a bit better now because I got a hug from my mom who "was a single mom for 5 years....I know, I know" and I got to let someone see my tears. 

My hope that is the parties will not always be small, that maybe on her 6th or 7th birthday I will turn and look at A who will more intimately know those 3-4 years in between, and I will miss this feeling. And if I miss it, this feeling will be no more. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

It's Time to Say Good-bye to All Our Friends

No, not you readers :) And thanks for hanging in there, btw.

I make it no secret that the kiddo has some special needs. In our state, one of the decent things in our state, is that kids who qualify per professional evaluation (that is also free) can receive free or near free therapy services up to age 3, how ever many hours and how ever many times a week/month. My kiddo has been one such kid to receive at least 3 hours of therapy a week from various services for the last year and a half.

I also enrolled her in a group session, it cost out of pocket, but I could afford it at the time. They have a song they sing at the end: "It's time to say good-bye to all our friends, good-bye! It's time to say good-bye to all our friends, good-bye! Now it's time to say good-bye, wave and give high-fives, yes it's time to say good-bye to all our friends, good-bye!"

And that is what we finished up today - we said good-bye to our last therapist, who consequently was also our first. It was hard, we made both made it quick. She has done so much for the kiddo, so much. The kiddo whispered one word at 18 months and I had to wait close to 2 years to finally hear my own child say "mama" for the first time. I realize some parents don't even get that, so I am lucky, but that is a hard wait. I keep reminding myself of that when we are having discussions on why the moon is following us and the rotation and orbit of the earth.

They also helped me in many ways, again SO many ways! They were my outlet, they were on Team Sarah when I was the only one, they did therapy outside with us when the meltdowns would be too much for my parents who may still be in denial, they gave me books, toys, online resources, and sometimes just someone to talk too. Now, I can stay in touch with a couple, but I don't want to ask a bunch of questions or anything and I will most likely just FB friend the one because she is an awesome person, Christian, and a mom, and she is the one that was our first and our at bat for all the feeding issues.

Though it feels there is so much to get done tonight, I had to write this post because if not I would end up losing it at work tomorrow. Our journey is far from over with the possible "A" word, however, for the moment we are on our own. I will rest before fighting the next battle, one of many, but for now - we say good-bye to our team, hello to a new family of team members that are going to be there for a long time, and keep the faith.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

If I Ever Stared at Your Kid(s) in Starbucks…

Sorry, didn't mean to stare, but here is why I did:

I was in complete awe that you could even take your child or children in there because I know my own would wreck the place for one. The other reason is, being the mom of one child who is a rough 3 years old, I gasp in fear at the thought of that number increasing in any way, shape, or form – so I am again in awe that you have chosen to take on that task that seems so impossible to me personally. So be aware I am not staring in judgment, my jaw just drops at things when I am not thinking. When I am in need of coffee and in a said coffee shop, I am usually not thinking!

Point of post you ask? Good question. I never realized I was staring until the other day when A and I were out and about with our respective collective of 4 kiddos, trying to make our way to the park to let mine expended some much needed energy, and the decision was made by all that we needed to caffeine up before that adventure. OK, mainly me, A, and his oldest the teenager who also shares the love for coffee. As we all trekked in, I was pulling up the rear making sure my kiddo didn't pull a Wynonna on all the stuff set out by the counter and there was a moment when I looked and really saw what two adults and four kids ages 3-17 looked like.  My jaw dropped as I stared as I normally would and THEN I realized, this is our group….I am one of the adults bringing four kids into Starbucks! It wasn't a negative thing, just a shock, like an out of body experience. I think it was our first time all out in public so that added to it a bit, throw the location of Starbucks in there, and give an ole’ Harry Carry “holy cow” shout.

Needless to say my kiddo prompted us very quickly to go sit outside rather than inside but it was all good. For a moment I sat back and looked at A and all the kids on their tech stuff and good smile did come across my face – of course moments later I realized my kid (unleashed literally at the time) was headed toward the road so I quickly ran after her. Then then A and the kids ran after me, quite the sitcom we were! We all made it to the park and had a good time – I was happy my kiddo could be herself around everyone, though when comfortable her way of showing it is giving everyone heart attacks, the need for speed, and cravings for more caffeine and sleep.

I want to bring up the other point of my post now: I had already said before I met A, that I wasn't sure how I was going to let someone into our little family of two and how happy I was with our little family of two. Then A came along and the good Lord opened my heart wider. After meeting and hanging out with A’s kids, I had the same fear of where do the kiddo and I fit in here, what are our roles, etc. Silly me, why did I even worry?! Last night as I (sans kiddo) was walking back to the car with A and his kids – his daughter huddled closer to me as we walked through a downtown ally saying she was scared in such places and I put my arm around her instinctively and gave her a squeeze, a real from the heart squeeze that I didn't even think about. That’s when it hit me, I am falling for them too now, my heart is growing in ways I never thought possible! I am now very comfortable that I don’t have to be a step-mom role, or try and be a friend, or “act my age,” etc. I can just be me and show them my heart honestly, just as I have shown A.

So now if I smile at you and your kid(s) in Starbucks, you know why.