Birthdays as the Only Parent

I was ready to die, I was ready to go, my emotional bags were packed - my only concern was for the child I luckily didn't miss out on. 

The kiddo was a very quick, unscheduled, emergency C-section. I was legally and mentally prepared for the moment when I found that news out. Unlike anyone else involved, I was prepared to go - but it was not my time. I am told there is a reason why I was to stick around, the one obvious reasonis my daughter. To be a single mom is one thing, however, to be an only parent is a completely different story. Add in special needs kiddo and add another book.

The main thing though on the kiddo's birthdays is there is no one to turn to, literally. I cannot turn to the left or the right while ordering, shopping, or wrapping gifts (note to self pink wrapping paper on the way home), there was no doting father in the hospital or person to give the "what the hell just happend here" look too on night #2 in the hospital, tonight I will bake the cake while the kiddo sleeps so it will be done safely/correctly, and tommorow I will split my time to ice said cake and teach my daughter how to ride her first bike. And this is only the beginning of year 4. 

We have friends, a few close ones do t get me wrong, and I have A who is great with her as well - but per circumstances this year, I do all this alone while her grandparents watch from the window. There will be no other parent to tape her ride, to say "hey, I'll play outside while you wrap the presents and finish the cake." Though my focus is usually on the kiddo, I always find myself looking up for someone as she finishes blowing out the candles. No is there, nor was there when I looked around during her first feeding. It's not the work that is hard or the missing of her biological father, not those things at all - it's the lack of a parent partner for her life and mine as a mother that hurts. 

That's the sting of only parent birthdays - you can't completely share it. Friends and family help when they can be there, but it's not the same and as I said circumstances prevent our tribe this year. Tribe members and A: I get it, I'm not mad, it's fine. Life happens. 

I've written this throughout the day before her party; and no it didn't get easier. However, I am a bit better now because I got a hug from my mom who "was a single mom for 5 years....I know, I know" and I got to let someone see my tears. 

My hope that is the parties will not always be small, that maybe on her 6th or 7th birthday I will turn and look at A who will more intimately know those 3-4 years in between, and I will miss this feeling. And if I miss it, this feeling will be no more.