I write this post on the eve of 3 years ago when I realized something…something in my life wasn’t right. I didn't feel right, I didn't feel comfortable, I was scared, I was in “my own bed” and I was terrified. I got up out of bed trying to make sense of what I was feeling – something needed to change, I needed to change, I had to make a life decision for me and the child I was carrying and then I calmed down. I put an extra pair of scrubs in my backpack along with a toothbrush, pj’s, underwear, my scripts and vitamins, and my bible. I set my alarm for the next morning for work knowing I would not be returning to a place that terrified me at the end of my shift.
I write this not in reflection, not in celebration, but just to help anyone who is in either of the below sections know they are not the only one and to tell my story so maybe someone else can live happily or just live to tell theirs:
Stop, Look, and Listen
If you are significantly unhappy with your life, listen to that and try and look around. You may not even know exactly what that feeling is; mad, sad, unhappy, weird, gut feeling, funny feeling, fear, or as my atypical kiddo who is trying to learn feelings says – your “tummy feels funny.” So look around – it is a person in your life contributing to this feeling, or a job (is it really just the job), or a church or lack of thereof, or a relationship that you come away with negative feelings more than positive ones. That person doesn’t have to be a partner, but if it is a person especially – listen. For a while I told myself it was the apartment I didn’t like to come home too, or I wasn’t keeping the house clean enough – it took a while to listen inside to that feeling that I didn’t want to be lying next to that person who I feared one.more.night.
Make A Decision
Can you live with this feeling? No really, look down the road 3, 6, 12 months down the road and ask yourself if you do nothing will you feel the same or worse. If you will not be happier or worse, even more in misery, than you need to make some sort of decision. Note I did not say make an action or do something – first you must mentally (the emotion part of it may come later, but the emotion lead you to this point) make the decision to do something or you won’t follow through with the action you need. I don’t know how small or big that decision is or was for you – but for me it started out simply that I would not return to that life and no one would hurt me anymore. More importantly no one would have the chance to hurt, take away, or take me away from my unborn child. I knew where I would stay for one night, and no it wasn't a for sure place to stay when I packed up. So even if you don’t know or it is a very small decision to begin your life change, mentally make it and stick to it. I am behind you.
It’s Gonna Suck For Awhile
The next month I would call “hell month” for the longest time. The begging, the pleading, the blaming, the crying, the yelling, the “you better do something,” “his life is in your hands now,” etc – it was the worst. I did make one last ditch effort – I walked in on a man ready to commit suicide, man who literally had nothing left. My dad and I took him, and I sat and listened to every mostly the whole truth confession about drugs, alcohol, thoughts of self-harm, the admittance and week-long detox/rehab, followed by the witness of an ultimate relapse. I sat a pregnant woman alone in a Catholic Church looking for someone, anyone, God. I gave an emergency birth and raised a newborn on my own in a Lily and Marshall first time parent haze. I went through the relapse myself a little over a year later when I realized just what happened to me those 5-6 years with the person that one day felt just not right (purple ribbon awareness club). I broke dishes, I got rid of everything besides my daughter that held any memory of his existence, I prayed to feel better, I dated to “move on” (it didn't work), I threw myself into legal battles and work, I went to a therapist, I let a lot of time pass. It took a little over two years for me, I don’t know how long it will take for you – but it will pass, the time will pass, and you are not alone no matter what the situation. No one is you, but many have been close to your situation whatever it may be.
But Things Are Going to Get Better
A little over two years later something happened. I smiled more without trying, my prayers turned to ones for things outside of myself, I accepted and understood my feelings about EVERYTHING that had happened, and little by little things started getting better. Are some days as a single mom still hard as hell? Yes. Do I rob Peter to pay Paul? Absolutely. But somehow things have always worked out, the lights never got shut off. Not the way I wanted, but they worked out for the greater good. Some of these things I still have no idea what the greater good is, but I have hope. It is hard, but one day you will see a glimpse of hope, then another, a few days later another. You may not realize it as I really only realized it recently, even with my happiness, but you have an unlimited supply of hope! You will have days where it doesn't seem like it, but when you really need it, it will show itself.
I do, I promise that all of the above will happen. I didn't have any idea that I would be a single mom or hey a single mom to a special needs kiddo – but I love her and wouldn't trade her for anything. I promise the days are long, some nights longer, and sometimes you feel like you have no one. I also promise that you will find at least one friend that understands – it may be an old friend or it may be a new friend. I can promise that your family will not understand but will someday attempt to show their support. I promise that someday something as simple as driving by a new CrossFit place close to home that is next to the local health food store in the morning and then on the drive home realize not only that but it is hope for the future and the world you want is there somewhere and it is waiting. And.you.are.finally.happy! Happy! You have been, life just sometimes prevents you from living in those small moments, and to top it all off you will be the happiest you have been in your entire life.
If you are someone, know someone, think you might know someone who could benefit or have been there and know there are many who could gain anything from this post - please share, you can do it publicly or privately but if it will help one, it will count. #speaklife #overcomer #roar