Saturday, August 31, 2013

The Neighbors Are Coming, The Neighbors Are Coming!

The above exclamation point is not necessarily meant to mean "oh yay" but more in the Paul Revere "warning, warning" type of way. And the warning time and signals were quite the same as well as you will read: I had gone back to sleep after seeing the kiddo off to her other chromosomal attributer for the day when I awoke to yelling or loud voices at least. I made my way upstairs to a woman who was realing from the news, "Paul" had already gone off on his horse in preparation for the event, leaving the woman with the bad news if you will to pass on the word that the neighbors are coming for a pitch-in tomorrow. So not only did this set a GREAT vibe for the day, but all of a sudden my plans for today AND tomorrow got messed up.

You see, I get 1-3 days a month where I have 8-10 hours of non-child, non-work time (if I am lucky) to get everything, the big things - like grocery shopping if I don't want to hire a sitter, any weekly/bi-weekly food prep, big bill pay, and hey just maybe a moment or two to myself. Now you ask - "OK, how did this mess up your plans?"  1) I live here so the angst, silent and not so silent is felt by the announcement 2) The announcement threw me because I don't want to mingle with the neighbors or share any of my space during this time - but hey let's face it, none of this space is really mine paid for or not 3) grocery unloading is not quite appropriate in the middle of a BBQ/party/pitch-in AND 4) it's in the middle of the day and because my new place with the kiddo (just us, please God, please let this work out in less than 60 days) hinges on a co-signer/the party planner.

So there you have it - I will be mingling with "the neighbors" at some point tomorrow, a beer WILL be in hand, grocery shopping done post an early church, cleaning up for the house "show-off" tomorrow being done tonight, as well as draft picks lined's going be a long one tonight. Not to mention the big kid booster seat for the table will be gotten tomorrow (SO much growing up right now it is insane and frightening at times - and cute and really really hard not to help without being asked but I do) and the fantasy draft for team one is soon post bed time - coffee and/or a nap will be needed before working on the actual holiday of the holiday weekend.

Yes, yes an update will be posted.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I'm An Overcomer

Tonight at midnight – when I hopefully am still awake to officially post this – I will have been legally free from a loveless, abusive marriage for two years. Two years! And that is just the legal stamp.

It does seem like an entire different life that I led even just those two years ago going through the process, not to mention the time before that seeming like one big blur of a long, long time and land ago. All in good ways, I am lucky for that mindset now. You see, not only did I survive, I took back power, I overcame fear, I became stronger after hitting my bottom, and with the wonderful gift of faith and perseverance I became who, what, and where I am today. Which my friends is awesome in the land of awesomeness :).

I am so thankful that I am stronger and only grow stronger mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually day by day by day. It is not always easy and there are plenty of days even moments where it is just that – getting through it one day at a time being a full time single, working, stay at home mom of a very young kiddo with some differences than your typical kid, head of house-hold, and let us not forget – a woman, a person. I think that is the most important lesson I have learned over the past two years – I am a person, my own person, regardless of the other labels/roles I have, I am still free to be my own person, my own woman.

I worked today and on my way home decided to have a little of a celebration even though staying up until midnight may yield just six and a half hours of sleep before another day begins. I showered, listened to my new upbeat playlist, and got into my fun cute jammies for one. Followed by laundry, paper sorting, however while still watching my shows on Hulu and digging into some yummy snacks. I put fresh sheets on the bed and moved my pillows a little closer to the middle yet again while realizing how great it is to have your own bed all to yourself (I am enjoying this now because once the crib/bed transition takes place I may be sharing again lol)!

So here is to another year under my new belt, a reason to celebrate among all the ins and outs of regular life, and being able to say – “oh that was over two years ago” when asked about my overcomer story.

L to the YN - established August 29, 2011

Monday, August 26, 2013

Fire and Ice

There was very tragic wide spread news at work today involving a prominent doctor (originally a nurse who worked her way up) and her family. The title of this post is the only way I can use to describe what is either going on in my head or what I am "feeling" at this time. As medical professionals, we have difficulty when tragic but medically explainable - though tragic, quick, fast, stupid - things like this happen; so we compartmentalize and rationalize then after awhile we try to feel. However, because of the nature of what we do as a team - save the ones we can, watch those we can't go down, and sometimes just watch the in between - we go back to compartmentalizing and rationalizing. Because it's easier I guess and who we are or were made to be.

Also a few days ago I received interesting news. Have you ever thought or expected something to eventually happen and then much sooner than you thought, it actually starts to happen? I know that is vague but for now that is all I can say - it's a personal life thing - and the fire and ice is going on with that too. I mean I knew this was going to happen right, sometimes thought it would be for the best, but now that the process or the reality of it started already I am a little in shock. I can honestly not attach a word to a feeling yet - forgiveness, compassion, acceptance, reality, God's plan - not sure but it is also strange so I have already (even before today's shocking work news) started to compartmentalize and rationalize - because it is easier and I can explain the facts.

So I am run by Fire or my compassion if you will and Ice, my brain, my rationale right now. And a glass of wine with dinner :) Paper sorting can wait until tomorrow, dinner and diapers and play are on tomorrow's agenda, I do not need to make, will or wish and when I pick up that kiddo in the morning from her requests for "mama, mommy, mom" I will feel more of the fire and I will feel. Period.

I will be uber happy with my family of two because we started that way and today I learned of a mother, a respected colleague who has drone the trenches and her family went from four to three.

Friday, August 23, 2013

How Do You Give Back In Suburbia?

A friend’s blog post today brought this very question to mind, mainly how do you truly give back or do for others before yourself? Also a recent random act of kindness towards myself and my daughter this week by a stranger we did not know or even saw begged this question to me as well. A stranger bought our meal! He did not know us, our situation, or whose meal he was buying but to me it was an amazing and awestruck experience and I do vow to pay it forward. However, I have been struggling with how to do that in Suburbia and simply enough for our means but strong enough to mean something.

I have also mentioned how I am a transplant to Suburbia but may not have mentioned that I work downtown in a place where you see the bad and the ugly while trying to do and sort out the good. It is hard not to judge I will be honest, but I try – I give my patients the same care but sometimes I do have to admit I may give extra TLC to those who are not using the system but are really in need. I treat them all kindly, with the same professionalism and smile, but I feel I go the extra mile for those whom have displayed true need sometimes over those who make it no secret that they are going to get every ounce out of “the system” that they can.

Now in Suburbia, how do you know randomly those in need or how to give to the strangers in need? More importantly as my friend put it, how do you put others not only before yourself but put others before your family when it comes to charity, following truly in God’s footsteps, etc (especially if you are feeling the struggle yourself)? So even though I am working out the details my mind made the list below:

I am struggling to find a better job to support my family, yet there is someone out there trying to find A JOB to support their family.

My daughter was told she could do better with tie shoes (but is ok) with her special inserts even though I just got her shoes; there are children who are struggling to fit into their current shoes or don’t have any.

I need to buy diapers and wipes yet AGAIN already (for sensitive skin); there are children whose parents have no idea how to get the next set of generic diapers.

The car needs gas; many are in need of a bus pass – which has also increased in price along with the price of gas.

I think God knew when we got our random act of kindness how much I needed to believe in the kindness of humanity for the sake of good/community and hopefully he will lead me to find some ways from just some of the above ideas of how even though I struggle there are those who are struggling more. I pray God will lead me to the right “who” in my community or maybe downtown is where to start – I just hope this is a start in learning and teaching my family how to put others before ourselves.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

A Fire Lit

As a result of both circumstance do I put this....words that with a collection of past along with current actions behind them, has lit a fire.

Fresh embers of anger initially, followed by a collection of baby step kindling, and hopefully a long lasting fire that can - if built right, with the right winds to keep it going - get my daughter and myself more of a life of our own and more distinguishable independence.

The unfortunate of the above will cause some pain to those "close" to me, but sadly who do not know me - the me I have become with SO much work, faith, pushing, learning, and teaching these past almost 3 years. These same people have asked on multiple occasions during that time of growth "when would I me the old L to the YN again?" The answer to that is simple - never. I have grown not only in age, but in some sort of wisdom and a lot of love as I have become a parent, and I have survived - yes now a true survivor I am proud to say - a great deal of pain in which I did not deserve, but realize that though it was part of my path it is now part of my past. I want to shout at these people - I am a survivor!!! However, shouting I have learned does not begat listening.

I may soon have more details on this readers, an audience I hope to grow as well - but first I have to figure out privacy settings on this crazy thing. I have also learned that due to circumstance, yet to be understood why God chose that circumstance and the news of it while I was writing this post, my circle will become smaller yet again - a circle that had a lot to do with my own faith building with "my own people."

As I pray for my fire to lead me in action:
"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire."

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Update To The "Whole 30"

About a month ago I had posted that I was going to try a 30 day challenge of listening to only K-Love radio or Christian (contemporary) music, not indulge in wine or beer, and some other things to try and get back to the basics in life for emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Well I can say that I was pretty successful - I did have maybe 2-3 glasses of wine in that time period but that was about it. I also got more on Pinterest for life ideas and less on Facebook which lead to some really cool workouts I can do at home even while the kiddo is outside playing or quickly before a shower to keep up with it, along with some cool ideas for getting things together and my at some point in time and space future home. I also left a group completely on Facebook that was full of negativity even though it was there to offer "support," which I am glad I left.

The challenge was also really good timing because as it turned out it was a very challenging 30 days in my life as well and that is where the K-Love really came in! I honestly do not know how I would have powered through had it been different because when you are going through challenging times as both a single person and a single provider (especially when the major thing happens to be dealing with providing) it is easy to feel alone. However, I was reminded multiple times a day to stay strong in my faith no matter what and to keep, if not try harder, instilling the foundation of faith in my kiddo; because she will have trying times and I do not want her to feel alone. It was a really powerful faith building boost at a much needed time even if to just remind me to keep.on.going.

So where I am today: if I said my body wasn't tired from my work which as an industry is losing a lot right now and being a SAHM to an unique kiddo AND being head of household that would be a lie. If I said I was not disappointed in how events that could have changed our lives did not seem to pan out, that would not be true. But I know now HOW important it is to keep having faith even when the fan of life starts spinning, and more importantly how important it is to lead my little family of two with faith above all else and no matter what.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Plan C

I think we all have at least one time, if not many, in various sectors of our lives where plan A doesn't feel right anymore so we go to a plan B which may not work out, and therefore find ourselves trying to figure out what the heck plan C is - let alone why we need a plan C in the first place. That is where I feel I am at, figuring out plan C or trying to anyways.

It's really no secret anymore so I can elaborate: a career path opportunity presented itself as an option months ago that would be closer to home, give me more time with my family or to do family things, be caring, offer many different benefits, and even if just in gas money be a bonus in the bank. However, that plan B feels like it has stalled, which is really hard because it would mean a little more time with the kiddo, a few minutes more sleep if treated properly, more relax/production time, less stress - you get the point.

So I find myself wondering what plan C is now. Is it to wait MORE and gain patience? Is it to find a way to make the budget work and ride out government and diplomatic corporate junky-ness? Is something still unknown out there waiting? Finally, is it time to let God take over for a bit as C is a letter in my name?

Does the true Plan C this time equate Plan G, yet again? As I was reminded as I watched someone lose a chance at life and then get a plan C to gain it back again today - "Tomorrow is a new day. Your time will come." - Mrs. D. Good luck and may your next breathe come easier.

Monday, August 5, 2013

The First Day of School

There is a tradition in the particular Suburban I was transplanted to and it is a little like watching lions in the African Safari. You see, the bus comes to the corner of a particular mom in the neighborhoods house and all the kids in the cul-de-sac therefore go to that stop. Well, I don't know when the tradition began, but this mom puts out a table with coffee and snack and it has grown into a pitch-in type deal the morning of the first day of school before the school bus arrives. Funny thing is, it's a party for the parents because the kids are now regularly leaving for the day.

I get the feeling of being kid free don't get me wrong, but I think because I saw this event before I had a twinkle in my eye, it just holds this weird Desperate Housewives type thing in my head. Part of that could be because they all hang out for 30 or so minutes AFTER the kids have left. Again, I get it I just find it to be very - Suburbia Serengeti. Luckily, I have a really good window view ;)

So that is the Suburbia part of my post. The second has to do with my own kiddo. It was fun to watch all the kids this past week get ready and go off to school - some for the first time and some just a new class. It made me excited for the days that I would get to take my own kiddo back to school shopping as I have a thing for office supplies, but later that same school day I was enjoying our time together of her being not yet preschool age. And then today happened.

I had heard a few weeks back that my kiddo spent sometime in the "big kid" room at daycare but heard nothing about it after that and she is not "transition" age for another 5-6 months. Then today, when I was putting her blanket in her cubby - her nametag was down and all her stuff was in a bag with her name on it. First thought, too many bites and we got kicked out, lol but also true. Then I remembered about the big kid room so I called the school during nap time to talk to her teacher. When I asked to talk to Miss M, I was asked if I wanted to talk to her or Miss D as kiddo was in Miss D's class now. I was a little shocked to say the least and there was a little explaining on the other end but about paperwork.

So I still have to go in and see her new room, meet the teacher, and hope she does alright with the transition. Also, the big kid room! Big stuff, more structure, and helping her move forward. Wow - now it's not like she still doesn't like to see mommy go and is strutting off into the school sunset - but it is still a step for the both of us. I hope a positive one and one in which we will grow together, stronger, bolder, and in faith.