Fire and Ice

There was very tragic wide spread news at work today involving a prominent doctor (originally a nurse who worked her way up) and her family. The title of this post is the only way I can use to describe what is either going on in my head or what I am "feeling" at this time. As medical professionals, we have difficulty when tragic but medically explainable - though tragic, quick, fast, stupid - things like this happen; so we compartmentalize and rationalize then after awhile we try to feel. However, because of the nature of what we do as a team - save the ones we can, watch those we can't go down, and sometimes just watch the in between - we go back to compartmentalizing and rationalizing. Because it's easier I guess and who we are or were made to be.

Also a few days ago I received interesting news. Have you ever thought or expected something to eventually happen and then much sooner than you thought, it actually starts to happen? I know that is vague but for now that is all I can say - it's a personal life thing - and the fire and ice is going on with that too. I mean I knew this was going to happen right, sometimes thought it would be for the best, but now that the process or the reality of it started already I am a little in shock. I can honestly not attach a word to a feeling yet - forgiveness, compassion, acceptance, reality, God's plan - not sure but it is also strange so I have already (even before today's shocking work news) started to compartmentalize and rationalize - because it is easier and I can explain the facts.

So I am run by Fire or my compassion if you will and Ice, my brain, my rationale right now. And a glass of wine with dinner :) Paper sorting can wait until tomorrow, dinner and diapers and play are on tomorrow's agenda, I do not need to make, will or wish and when I pick up that kiddo in the morning from her requests for "mama, mommy, mom" I will feel more of the fire and I will feel. Period.

I will be uber happy with my family of two because we started that way and today I learned of a mother, a respected colleague who has drone the trenches and her family went from four to three.