Thursday, June 20, 2013

Awkward Suburbia

There are so many awkward moments in life and even the small ones seem to be multiplied when I am out of my comfort zone - which happens to be "typical" Suburbia; so I have dedicated this post to those and I am sure you can relate:

I was at the park with the kiddo when two moms' with 2 kids each in tow came out - their kids started playing on the playground and after the one mom loaded up the car she said "Hi, I'm N, you live over that way right?" as she pointed behind her a ways, "we live just over there." I smiled very awkwardly - as she did look familiar - and then informed her that "I'm C, actually we live over there" as I pointed about 1/2 mile back in the complete other direction. Insert the "oh" and that was that, children (well theirs, my kiddo believes she owns everything and no children are to be around her) played for 10 more minutes. Awkward.

This next one coincides with the above: not sure if I have ever mentioned that my kiddo is...neurologically unique (best I can come up with at the moment)..but this spacial thing is not a "two's" thing - which I also dislike the whole, oh they are this age so they act like this saying - but related to that, not bad parenting or an only child thing but she screams "no," "mine," and just plain shrieks when other children come to the playground or if they are there when we arrive. Don't get me started on if they are on the same large piece of equipment or dare enter her space. So yeah, sorry other parents but awkward, because I am not about to explain all my kiddo's issues to you - it's hard enough for my inner circle to understand.

I am sure many of you have "run" into this one: the coming at you other runner/jogger on the road, come on you love my humor. But in the land of Suburbia, no I can't afford these houses let alone land to build neighborhood, again a multiplied awkward. This one happened this morning and I was out quite early in the 5am hour - old man. Do you wave, smile, pick up or slow down your pace, try to breathe like a normal person? And no, I don't over think things at all :)

The next one is an awkward that is on my to-do list: I have a contact for another single mom my age with a boy that is my kiddo's age - it was a via email hey are both your emails and phone numbers - discuss suggestion from my dad. 1) those emails are always weird intros, 2) it has been almost 2 months and 3) we may not have anything else in common lol - my mom did a set up like this with my friend Elaine - just ask her - it was weird. Luckily it worked out and I am hoping the same will happen when I get the courage to "court" a new friend - never been good at making female friends per socially awkward anyways.

And my final small one - I really, really want to try the new fro yo place but I am either going in alone for fro yo...just don't think I can do it; or taking my almost 2 year-old unique kiddo into a self-serve fro yo place by myself - anyone think this is a good idea?

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

"I Wanna Know What Love Is"

Yes, I found myself singing this silly little tune as I was cleaning up the house from today and getting it ready for tomorrow. It’s kind of what has been on my mind the past 24 hours, I really want to know what partnership love is. I know motherly love as I am a mother, I never really I  loved the person I was legally bound too, I have love for God – which has grown immensely in the past year or so, my parents though they love me and each other have always had their issues show it is now hard to see a good example through them…and the best example I have right now is a couple of friends who have really great partnerships and partners.

Notice how I didn’t use the word marriage there – because when I look at my two friends, I see a true partnership with it’s ups and downs and each partner working to love the other actively and not just live in the existence of love. So I guess they do have marriages after all, it’s just that I believe a true marriage these days must meet the definition of a partnership of love. You must work at it to feel it, to stay in it, to not want to run off to be your independent self but at the same time still co-exist in a beautiful dance of life.

That is what I am looking for, it is what I truly want to know and one day have to lie down next too at night. I just have to wait for it, but it doesn’t mean I can’t look for it at the same time. It is hard to weed through people, it makes you feel like you are on The Bachelorette except for no one pre-picked 25 “good,” attractive men for you. Even then, you have those who are not worthy or not looking for that partnership, as we saw the other week if you follow the show.

Though the nights get frustrating here and there due to my want for that partnership, it is also the time I spend talking/praying/thinking to God so I do pray for that but I am also thankful for the two examples of a good partnership/marriage my friends give me as well as the reminder of what I am really looking for. Though they were single, non-divorced, and had no children when they met their true partner for life – they also had their respective trials. I often wonder if it is possible or how I will let someone into an existing family of two – but I know it can be done. Even when I over-think it, I know it per heart

So I know it won’t be forever, that God has a plan – and am happily singing different sad, 80’s, ballad tunes as I go about my day/chores/household budget and weed through any seeds that will not fit my description only at my leisure, for sport, and not as a task that I alone have a hand in.


Saturday, June 15, 2013

Tim the Tool Man

First off, the night before things always seem like the worst - so this may sound like a downer type post but I hope to put a positive spin on it and if not than I am just my honest self tonight.

I was in a recent Facebook "conversation" with a couple of friends, let's just call them Elaine and Wonder Woman, that somehow revolved around Tim Allen or more commonly known as Tim the Tool Man Taylor. He was a dad, from the outside portrayed as your typical "man" consumed with his tools, cars, career, and having no clue how to properly answer his boys' or wife's questions. He was what we portray all dad's to be in the JC Penny's and Sears' ads.

And that is what we will all see tomorrow. Dads of all kinds, a lot around here in the burbs running around in their freshly out of the box khakis and new polo shirts, children & wives in tow and in church, at brunch, in the afternoon maybe out on the golf course or in their "play clothes" exploring the new leaf blower or work on the next project for the house with whatever new cool tool or gadget. I hate father's day because of this display because it does not tell the truth.

The truth is that Tim the Tool Man Taylor, if watched closely was a man, my definition of a true man. He messed up but when he did he went to talk to Wilson and got guidance on what to do or say - not because Wilson told him too but because he needed answers he could not find. He fixed his schedule to stay at home with a sick kid because his wife worked too and even went back to get her Masters with her family's support.  They didn't have an easy life, they had marriage issues, health scares, temptations of taking the easy route....but they were a true family - even if just on TV.

Now my daughter will get neither version, not in a day and not for a lifetime. That is why I hate (I almost typed dislike, but hate is my true word here) Father's Day. She will not know a true father or dad in the sense of someone who loves you and has so much from day 1 that their stomach churns as hard as their working hands in both worry and love, positive and negative life events or things not so eventful. She may be the prop for some photos tomorrow but they will not be a copy of the Sears' ads either.

That is why I feel pain when shopping the card aisle for my dad, who gets two cards AND her school project she made. I see these wives picking out cards for their husbands because that is their want or grown women picking out cards for their dads - sometimes even siblings which is an extra stab - and because of how truly they know their father they say with conviction "this one is perfect!" I browse, trying not to tear up because the father I have known was there for me and my daughter will not know that feeling and picking out her card for Grandpa who will be around but likely not when she is 30 and not in the same sense.

Now I know things are not perfect: Elaine is going through some tough life things and though her husband and father of her daughter is by her side, things aren't super nor should they be with what they have going on. Wonder Woman is tired in her third trimester with their third and final child happy to make their life complete but also daily chasing after 2 very active boys. But their husbands are stand up men and fathers, this I have seen first hand, and those are the people I celebrate in roughly 15 min; men who are true men, who come to the aid of the people they love even if they do not yet have the title of father.

I do it with a true, genuine, and heavy heart - praying that I will be able to find men of my age, in my generation to be friends to us in that way; to be there when Sarah has a car issue I can't fix or am at work, or to show her the compassion a father would show their own children when she most needs and least expects it. Someone to pick out a card for out of the "like a father" or "uncle" or "Godfather" section. This is my hope.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

I Would Do/Go Through Anything For My Kid

We all say it and I really wonder what percentage of parents are faced with the actual task of going through personal worst nightmares or bearing a cross of what seems of unbearable load more days than not.

This is a rough post simply because of the fact that I don't want to go into giant detail about my kiddo's issues and even if I did, a lot of people would still not understand what I was talking about (note: this is not to say one wouldn't sympathize, just not fully understand what I mean by certain things). Also, I know that though my load seems so heavy on so many days, that I am carrying what seems like feathers compared to some other parents out there.

The kiddo is special, because unique would not quite be the word as other kiddos have the same type of things that make them special too; and it's not the first time mom doting/worrying kind of special, it's the my kiddo has a unique rhythm that only a few know how to unlock, many don't understand, it's not going away, and it's up to me to find the skeleton keys for her future.

My point in this post is that if there is even one other parent out there that reads this, that it is ok to be frustrated with what you need to give up or go through sometimes, make a list, and know that you are not blaming your kid at all by doing this. I am tired, SO freaking tired, but I like many are going to burn the midnight oil tonight and wake up and do it all again tomorrow....and repeat.

My list in paragraph form because I have to figure out my privacy settings on this thing, lol, and yes this is my Saturday night - the list can start there. You can add having what you have always deemed the closet family members being taken out of your inner circle by your own choice in your child's best interest; throw in dash in therapies and appointments and phone calls out the wazoo (sp?) that you almost have to have a database for; sometimes you have to find what you think would be simple (ground floor please) housing accommodations; mix in with that the stares, looks, and comments - again by people who are supposed to care the most but just don't get it. Sometimes I think that being single is my blessing in this because there is no one to fight with or at least go to bed gritting your teeth at with because my kiddo was one of many chosen to take the road less traveled which is one heck of a hike.

So after my post-kiddo bedtime nap, here I am, showered, partially refreshed meaning awake - the parents who get this will understand exactly how being awake is an awestruck moment at times, starting prep for both the actual and proverbial tomorrow that awaits me and my kiddo.

Andplusalso, I just noticed that Explorer spellcheck must have been one of my recent computer updates, huh.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Fro Yo Condradiction

So I do post, or mention in my posts, a lot of things that are very cliche about life in Suburbia and being a "traditional" suburbanite; but then I find myself driving along and thinking of or sometimes doing what I post about....this is frustrating and just plain weird sometimes because it does so not feel like me. You will have to read the end to get to the what I see as funny point.

Take my first post - it is what inspired this entire blog - driving through Starbucks, grocery ad in hand, on my way to pick up the kiddo from "school." Believe me, this was a very - whoa, holy cow, am I actually doing what I think I am doing moment. I am also beginning to think about getting a small house/condo - with this not only comes picking a school district - which in and of itself is scary as Bigfoot spotters' interviews but also things like property taxes, suburb city limits, closing costs, and that weird escrow word. Though this is very exciting to think about, it is completely overwhelming and making me just want to buy an Airstream and a home-schooling system.

But it is also the little things, the many trips to Target, knowing when trash day is (though I try and recycle/re-use as much as possible), waving to these people in the cars who I honestly do not know who the heck they are or where in the neighborhood they live and the latest, possibly the most common generalization made about the land of Suburbia is below:

I was driving my usual route yesterday and noticed a new store, a self serve frozen yogurt place, and my first thought was not "oh great, look at us now" eye roll but an eye popping "a new frozen yogurt place SO close to home, I wanna try it!" This was followed by a very big "crap what am I thinking" face palm thought ;)

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Moving On or Left Behind?

This is a question that follows us our whole lives, popping up here and there, usually when we least expect it and it doesn’t matter where we live or are moving to.

This topic came up, not as being single, but as I found out that the news of my cousin moving across the country was not just Facebook talk – and I did find out through Facebook that this was all happening. I am shocked but not surprised, but like I said it brings me to the question of is his moving on making me feel left behind. It is all for the best for him, his dream, closer to his sister and her family, away from our hometown/aging family, closer to his way of life and the way he wants to live it. And it is not like he has not worked his butt off for this because he has and he deserves everything he wishes to find – and I do wish him well, however, it feels like the cement that it is time for our generation to move on.

I will be finding a new place for me and the kiddo to reside here this summer, already making steps of down-sizing, minimizing, more-over increasing my role in her 24/7 care by starting to drop her off at “school” on my way to work – very early in the morning for both of us – but a needed and acceptable adjustment.  I also need to find someone that can pick her up on the days I am unable to from “school” and do the simple duty of dinner and bedtime if I have to work late. I am lucky enough that my position with either allow me to be home with her 4 out of 7 days or at least be there for morning and evening duties plus weekends. Not easy to find or make happen as a single mother these days.

Back to my point – the above will be moving on for us, yet possibly giving my parents the feeling of being left behind. The kiddo is already quite aware of the roles – I am mommy/parent and her grandparents are grandparents who just sometimes happen to be there when she wakes up, pick her of from school. This will be a change for them; I do hope for the better eventually that they get their peaceful mornings and evenings back, the ability to make dinner plans without checking schedules first (of which they could do now but don’t either due to habit or obligation – my sense is the former), and getting a quiet house back – it is this in which I worry for them.

But we must also leave the emotions behind or move on from them. For now it is not my job to take care of my parents, it is not my worry. It is time for Sarah and me to move on, to truly become one again for better or worse – a true family; true to ourselves, true to our faith, and true to others.