Being it is Domestic Violence Awareness month, being that I
am a survivor, and to have a good post or helpful reason to post why I have
been absent from the blog; I decided to write a little about what one DV survivor’s
life looks like 3 years later:
The Good:
Myself and my kiddo have been in our own place for over a
year now. The same place and it will
continue to be that way in the upcoming months.
I have a job (I did before too) as a health care professional
and have grown in skill with the same facility – going on 5 years now.
I am in a very happy AND healthy relationship with a not
only respectable but respectful man both as you look on the outside and as you
look on the inside behind home doors. He is also a faith-filled man. His faith
is one my main attractions to him. (note: not the reason I haven't posted in awhile, keep reading ;))
My faith has grown in leaps and bounds – I have my domestic
violence experience, survival, and recovery processes to thank for that. There
will never be enough words to describe my appreciation for the greatest thing
that has come from that whole experience.
The Ugly:
I couldn’t make it in the first apartment past 8 months due
to finances/pay cuts. I spent way too much money on a deposit for our current
place because I wanted to “get out” of my parents’ house and be on my own.
“Being responsible” took all of a 3 minute poor financial decision, with no
consultation because I was an “adult,” and cost well over 1K in one day. We all
know that you are lucky to get any deposits back on apartments.
I love what I do and who I truly serve in my work. For the
kiddo, I had to go part time, which was a good decision for my family. It is
tough on the finances. My job and its owners are a different story. It is a
struggle to go in most days because of the aforementioned. I know I am called
to serve but have no idea where I am meant to be lead inside this career right
now. Though we have shelter, food, and
clothing – we do so paycheck to paycheck as I beg for more daytime hours. It
was still the right family decision however.
I went through two fast, very unhealthy relationships when I
thought I was ready that first year and a half. It took a lot of heartache,
self-blame, and recovering again. I then took a year only to myself, God, and
my faith. I studied relationships without being in one and made a set of healthy
rules to follow in the future. Only then did I stumble upon someone who is
becoming, if not already, my best friend.
Finding my faith took first finding the most extreme pain I
have ever imagined, scream, yell, and cry silently and out loud even at God. It
took a total of 2-3 years to get to a solid place and it is thankfully still
growing every day. Lately, I have had to
try extra hard to keep my faith solid in the everyday, amidst all the trials of
the modern world. I am keeping the faith but it is not without God given grace
some days.
More Good -What I Hope Domestic Violence Awareness and Recovery
can be going forward for survivors:
Explaining that just getting out of your situation is great,
you survived it! However, being a recovered survivor means learning a new way
of life, respect for life, and new skills to really live as a thriver and not
just a survivor.
When you think/feel you are ready to graduate from any
therapy or domestic violence therapy/education programs – go to at least two
more sessions. I quit while I was behind, thinking I was ahead. I do truly
believe that I would have learned more great tools and ways to deal with my new
life if I would have gone to just a couple more sessions. It could have given
me a little more wisdom to avoid some of that “ugly” mentioned above.
Don’t be ashamed to go back to your family, church, friends,
etc. even if you have been away for awhile. Abusers often try and separate you
from things and these good people so that they don’t see what is really
happening or what kind of shape you are in. Going back will help you and it’s
ok to go back to lean on that support and grow your new life.
Life Skills: This is a big one and an area I think Domestic
Violence organizations can grow in is teaching some life skills classes. They
do a great job at helping people dress and prepare for job interviews, however,
some survivors never got the basic education on budgets, finances, new
relationships, healthy eating and exercise for overall wellness. I know I would
(could still) have benefited from classes or sessions on those topics. Make overall wise decisions.
Shampoo: That’s right – I mean rinse, lather, repeat
shampoo. I mentioned on how I was struggling paycheck to paycheck and though I
have hot water and a place to shower, toiletries are a living expense. I would
like to see some places have some donations (even travel size) of basic
household needs/goods/pantry food available….heck even toilet paper people for
those of us who may have a job but nothing in the bank account to pay for “luxuries”
such as conditioner. I recently went to a mega store hoping for a sale and used
$3.02 of my last $5 (after rent and bills were paid) so I could use more than a
dime on my hair and body – it was one of the best showers I have had in my
life!
So that’s my story for now to help maybe one person, one
survivor do it a little bit better than me – so they are not making that desperately
calculated mega-store run. We are doing
great and we are past the bad, but we can always thrive!
