Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

If you have seen Finding Nemo then you know to what I refer, if not the title basically means when faced with the most important, monotonous, enduring task - you just keep going even though it feels like you are never going to get there.

It's been an interesting few days and some of great reflection on the preverbal where I am at in life question. One reason is that the opportunity I keep talking about is still looming in and out of my world, but also making other parts of my world awkward and stagnant. I wish I could elaborate more but the waiting is just making different aspects of my life just complicated enough to be annoying and making this non-virtuous when it comes to patience person on pins and needles.

Another reason is that a couple family members who are a little younger than me bought houses, big houses, and in my opinion possible financially irresponsible big houses. I know these kids, I know what they want or the image they want to show, but know I also know a lot about the hardships of making financially irresponsible decisions. Yet here I am trying to fill in holes I did not dig or did not intentionally dig in order to one day get a starter home, a home not a house - and though I know it is not personal by nature, it's tough to see plastered all over the internet. It's also hard to watch people you thought would turn out one way turn to be someone you would never imagine.

The last reason kind of has to do with the first and second; I was talking about the how and when and past and current of digging out of holes and making progress with my father yesterday and he kept telling me how far I have come even though bit by bit. When you are in the middle of it, it is hard to see the bit by bit as leading to your outcome.

I was reminded twice today, literally, about Dory and "Just keep swimming," one by a radio show and the other via work because I though I am waiting and doing as much as I can it's not like I am waiting for a vital organ and I mean that literally. So I just keep reminding myself as hard as it feels sometimes to just keep swimming.

The First Blue Lagoon Moment

Warning: Possible slight TMI, and just avoid if you are a man.

So I had the kiddo in the tub tonight and had to pee for the first time in 6-8 hours - well, I had to go before that but you know how it is. As it was, it is also mother nature time here so I have been trying to go without the kiddo, I tried to be discrete however, as I sat down the following ensued:

Kiddo: "Boo boo?"
Me: "No, not really, it doesn't hurt."
Kiddo with confused look.
Me: "It's something that just happens when you get older, but it doesn't hurt."
Kiddo stood up and wanted out of the tub - we have issues with that anyway so I am hoping tonight's clingy-ness was only that.

Total flashback from The Blue Lagoon where the dying mom is telling the girl everything she would need to know about life, including when you get your period. But my kiddo is not even in pre-school?! Needless to say this little moment caught me by surprise, I think I handled it fairly well as no long term damage has been done, but if the kiddo remembers one thing it's boo boos. She still points to where a splinter was two months ago on her hand every morning and says "boo boo."

This kind of opened my eyes to a slew of questions and topics that will not be on my agenda for the day in the upcoming 10-15 years - possibly more. On the way home I was actually thinking about such educational topics, how they are taught in school, and what I would want my kiddo to hear from a teacher; I am trying to decide the whole public v private school thing in the next year.

But yeah, that happened today.

Drive By

So I have recently, maybe more often than not, talked about money or budgets lately - so yes another post but I think you will find this one a little helpful and maybe eye opening. As I knew my budget was slim, I took the kiddo to the zoo today for some fun - my folks have a pass so it was free...or so you think.

I did bring our own snacks, but kiddo ate them in the morning and I probably didn't plan enough to spend nothing at the zoo. So I ended up deciding to get an item a le carte at the zoo (because we all know the "meal deals" are a joke there, not that any food is cheap) - so then the kiddo wanted the darn animal cup and are you really gonna say no on your first summer trip to the zoo....maybe stronger parents would, lol. So ok, $6 and change for a shared lunch, well then I said pink lemonade as in for the animal drink and the kid rang up another adult pink lemonade - and we have $12.

So below are some of my everyday type Suburbia budget busters:

I managed to avoid the below - only by taking a wrong turn though:

And since the microwave was broken and I felt the kiddo needed one hot side and a little treat for me (minus the sandwich because I could deal with cold chicken at home):

 But still - if you gave in even just once a week to a small $3 treat for your one kid, a $2.50 cheaper Bucks treat, and $4 shared off the value menu dinner add on - you are looking at almost $10 a week via marketing by driving down the street and poor willpower v sad rationale. Crazy when you think about it. The sad thing is for awhile I didn't think about it because the budget (or lack their of) wasn't that bad - just as I had to cancel my gym membership to make room for getting some unexpected old bills paid off and an unexpected lower income (please God I know it's your will but please please please not for long), I now have to really think when I drive by and just drive by as much as possible. It may be harder to budget in Suburbia.

P.S. Microwave will be out for a bit as the estimate of like 4 microwaves (it's built in) came in today - so yeah I either eat it all for no leftovers or eat the kids scraps as to not over cook. Or heat up over a pan of boiled water. The modern world has spoiled me.

Coupon Hijacking and Other Suburbia Randoms

I shop at mainly one grocery store so I get coupons in the mail based on what I buy. The other day I noticed a new mailing on the counter, well yesterday and tonight it was in my dad's mail pile - yes they sort the mail, I find this weird only because I guess it's been just me or I have always paid the bills. Back to the point - they tried to hijack MY coupons!! They don't even shop at that store, come on now, this is money people. They just started clipping and it's kind of funny - I know I shouldn't laugh but sorry it's a little funny watching them try to budget for real on a "regular" income. At least I talked them into sneaking popcorn out of the theatre when they went to a night movie and got the large popcorn - the savers that they are ;) I know I'm a mean kid.

Other Randoms: A long while ago the kiddo and I tried a new park and it was great. It was also a Sunday afternoon, so many people to watch besides my kiddo. I noticed a grandma seemingly watching her grandson attempting to operate her flip cell phone and once she figured it out proceeded to have a five minute conversation on how to get past level 42 on Candy Crush - really?, lol my friends, lol.

Then there was this kid on the slide in front of us talking about ice cream and how her dad doesn't like it, then she said to me this maybe 4-5 year old "my dad doesn't even like Orange Leaf!" I had to look up what Orange Leaf was, lol. How specifically picky of that father! 

Lastly on randoms occurring in the park, I was forced to watch a really weird (I won't say bad because it wasn't mine) single parent park date - you know like when you bottle-neck it. The woman seems older and had maybe a 6 year old, the guy seemed like a young dad of a toddler and they were trying to play with the respective kids. The dad had a major eye on his kiddo and my guess was this was his parenting time being a Sunday in the park so he was really into his kid - the lady just kept talking about self-tanner, working out, do you like this and that, "oh I do too" but just to say it (which is a pet peeve of mine). So yeah, and me and my kiddo who was trying all the equipment were right in the middle of this pretty obvious first date - so weird. 

I will end with this - a pic from the park over-looking the giant high school/middle school, a reminder of Suburbia:

Someone "Spoke" to me, I Had a Dream - Now What?

I was driving into work yesterday, though it seems longer than that, and I was listening to K-Love as I always do on the way in -  this is not a new thing on my "whole 30" deal.  As I was driving I heard "Are you a single mom?" It may be just me, but these things when specified to actual life questions not just the "are you looking to loose weight, want to get cash fast" type of things really catch me off guard! And this was the first time it has happened since I started being a K-Love fan a few months back - luckily I did not hit the breaks but opened my ears a bit. They were talking about Life of a Single Mom Ministries and I made a mental note to look that up later online to see what it was about. Oh and Elaine - if you are reading this remind me to look up "women in faith" in August here locally :)

A busy day at work followed, I looked this up finally on my iPhone internet when I had two minutes and it is a ministry dedicated to single moms and getting a group following this ministry set up in local churches because that is one of the toughest places to find good, comfortable, open to God and these women like me support. Then a bug really got in me..and my stomach. I know that going back to the church, especially the Catholic Church, as a single obviously pregnant woman alone was hard. I felt judged, knew that God was OK that I was there, was trying to get comfortable again with the whole Jesus/Trinity thing (lonnnggg life story there, just trust me), and it felt comforting yet weird. I did make the decision to go back to the church - more so back to God and Christian life - and then a year later made the decision to have my daughter baptized in the Catholic Church. It wasn't so much the church as I wanted her to be baptized period, I was a parishioner, and I wanted her to feel that if she ever felt lost like me in her life that she had a place to go. Whether it be in town or in Barcelona - she could go to a place to feel safe and be with God and not alone. So again this ministry kind of spoke to me.

THEN, last night I have this weird dream - based completely off a Facebook thread that was just a tough topic to get easily out of control - that I went to the house of a someone I knew awhile back in the literal torn clothes I had on my back (my super comfy laundry jeans with way too many wholes that I love) and because of the, lets say political set up of the geographical area, I was told I had to leave because I didn't have better clothes. Needless to say I knew what this meant when I woke up, pretty much right away. I think I need to do some research and set up this ministry somewhere at a local church because being a Christian (Catholic) single mom, not only do I need physical resources even if it be a website, but I have had many times when I knew God accepted me but felt judged or looked at when I came out with my single mom status. We need support, I luckily found my own way to and with God, but some are not so lucky - and what if that is what I can do. I cannot afford to financially support different groups but maybe this is my way to help serve.

It is hard though because I am debating finding another church for my family of two as this doesn't feel like a good fit right now, I am in the middle of a long silence with my opportunity that would give me and the kiddo a little boost, and I am still getting our life (papers, bills, budget, coupons) organized and waiting on our next step outta the rents. However, I think I am going to do the research on this ministry some more, what it would take to set up, where it might most benefit - while I get those other things together. I know God's work, heck even his plan is never easy and this would be a total here is my time/effort from my own time bank - but I think it would help a lot of people, open some doors, and just be a good thing all around. As Wonder Woman's husband says - get comfortable with being uncomfortable - BE BOLD!

Setteling Down

Calm down, not in THAT way :) you know me better than that even though our friendship is just beginning.

Like I had posted before, the past couple weeks, the past month really has been quite busy to the point that I was just wearing myself down between full time work that has been picking up, full-time home single mommy the other 4 days of an SPD kiddo, preparing for birthdays and trips, and just not feeling like getting any break at all. Now post birthday, post 2 year appointment which went better than all the previous ones luckily, and gearing toward the end of summer, things seem to be settling down.

Strangely enough the way I know this is that my phone has settled down. The past month it has been ringing, text alerts, email alerts, etc. like no body's business. The past few days - nothing and I mean that pretty much silent. I guess I got used to it, but I do have to admit it is kind of nice with the exception of my pending opportunity I have been talking about.

Hopefully it will give me more time to actually email my friends individually instead of a quick text or Facebook "like" - our modern world is strange. I actually was so worn and sick this morning at the kiddos appointment that I almost completely missed saying hi to my friend, her little one, and her husband - in person can you believe that?!

Restoration, 3rd Year and 30 Days

This past weekend I celebrated my daughter's 2nd birthday and said good-bye to a very close, almost like a brother, family member as he is moving out west. So there was a party on Saturday night to say goodbye and one Sunday afternoon to say hello to my daughter's 3rd year.

I never got a real chance this past week to reflect, as I like to do, on my daughter's past year or past couple of years, because of party prep and packing as both parties were in my hometown. Due to the events that surrounded her pre-coming and coming to this earth - it is always a time of reflection for how far we have come as a family of two. From the first moment I found out the kiddo existed even in a cellular form, her soul transformed mine. It started with prayer, simple prayer, a bunch of things in between including patience and compassion and strength and now we are where we are - which is a wonderful place full of love and faith. We have our own world of two a lot of the time and no one would get us except for maybe some other mommies and that is just the way I would want it.

Also, 6 months ago or even a year, if you told me my kiddo would be who she is today - talking and walking and saying and thinking and doing and asking and loving - I would not believe a.single.word you had to say! She has made such great strides due to her many "teachers" that work so hard with her....*special shout out to those SLPs, teachers, OTs, PTs, and listeners who teach with compassion.* We may have a ways to go, but we wouldn't be on this road fork without you or God or this feisty little high functioning student of life.

Therefore, to exert my emotions and try to be who I was - in searching for how to express who I am now (two really, really, really different people) - I stayed out a bit late the night before her party. I made it through as tired as I was and turned the all about her prep into an all about her day, but I still felt guilty that I wasn't at my best. When I go to my hometown and have these events, this happens - in an emotional ploy to enjoy who I have become, I regress instead - or feel that way.

I have made the decision to give myself some restoration time after that fact. To restore who I know I now am, the mother of a two year old who needs me to be me so that I can help teach her to be a person of faith, hope, compassion and love. How? You have heard of the whole 30 - well this is like a holistic whole 30 - 30 days of K-Love *plug* and Christian music only, no alcohol, 7 hours each night of sleep or pure in bed no sound rest, more healthy eating, and some other personal things to get back in touch with who I am now. We all have errors or flaws but we grow and as it is said so many times in the Bestselling book - restoration is always possible with God.

Lincoln and The Library

There is a penny on my bathroom rug, lying faced down, and I cannot bring myself to pick it up because I can hear my great-grandmother yelling that because it is heads down bad luck will occur. It taunts me after every shower and during any awake moments of 5 min hair and make-up time. I will get to the other meaning of pennies in a bit.

Yesterday was a day of good, yet intense opportunity and circumstance that could greatly affect my family of two. So after it knocked at 5:50am, waking me for the day before my child even woke up, and opening the door to said opportunity further during nap time - we had to get out of the house. So to the library we went.

I have mentioned that my kiddo is a little neuro atypical when it comes to certain self and social situations, so this was kind of a big deal. The arrival went well, then came the other children who were actually there first....screaming, mine, no, well you get the picture. Unfortunately we had a shadow/parrot child lock onto us, well the kiddo. Thankfully his mother, after asking if our shadow did anything per my screaming crying child, explained in a perfectly normal way that this child who was a little older was the same way at times. And per watching the non- interaction I think she knew what I am going through per experience which was nice. So in a quick effort to leave the library and screaming behind, I said it was time for dinner, my brain scrambled for what that would be and due to price point and time I uttered the words "pizza." 

Driving home, I remembered we had a bit of chicken left at home - it could save money. Re-enter the Lincoln part of the post, I was just trying to save a little cash hence free library trip, no books checked out as that now costs about $40 annually due to "city limits," and home-microwaved dinner. But alas, the child now remembers short and long term so "pizza, pizza, pizza" and I find myself in the Little Caesar's drive and go. True it was only $8 for a deep dish, but I am trying to not have our meals out especially on whims. That said, I also don't want my kiddo to hear "we can't afford that" for the little things or break remembered promises. So I got out my paper Lincoln's and dug through the sticky metal ones in the car and it was pizza night.

It is financially and emotionally frustrating though that we live in a time now that whether it be the reality that we may not have the choice to send our kids to a private school or the decision to pick up or not pick up easy food on the way home. The former being a decision that I would rather come to per parental choice, not due to financial situations, but a reality staring me right in the face. So after I got the kiddo to bed, cleaned up a bit, then got myself cleaned up in the shower - I again looked down and saw the faced down penny, which I can guarantee (especially with pending opportunities) will still be there in the morning.

Could "I Do" it again?

I have been wondering the past week or so if I could really do the full on, lifelong or long term relationship again. Let me also preface that my marriage was not real, just a snowball of a first date to dating to moving in to engagement to marriage, look I'm pregnant and 4 months after 5 years done. 

I have been back on the online dating circuit again (shush - I know I know) and first off I wonder if any guy can understand and respect that I may not be able or in the mood to text every.single.day as I work full time, stay at home with a kiddo full time, run a household, and still treasure the me time I do get. Also the more time I do live my own life, I enjoy doing my own thing my way. 

And the above is just how you begin a relationship with someone, then you have to trust. I can trust but knowing that I am trusting for two even if the guy never meets my kiddo until super serious (which by mine and others' experience is the way it should be) is tougher. It will take a lot is faith in God and praying, reflecting that I am doing the right thing, walking the right path. 

This brings me to my third point, only true  Christian men need apply. I tried to look over this rule once or twice but being a Christian person and woman and mother is a big part of who I am now, and those who don't believe or do not have their heart with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit won't get that. And I am not going to church no matter what kind alone with my child (or children) either - that is true God blessed family time. 

So with all that said, it's not that I don't want or don't think it's going to happen - I pray for it a lot, now may just not be the time and that's ok. It's not to say there are not times/things when I wish I was dating or in a true relationship but it's going to take time. My future guy needs to understand that. And I have to be open enough to express but not explain that - if that makes any sense. Communication is key, but my guy needs to get me too, to understand by my actions or words to communicate or ask or express his own needs and to fully understand each other's needs.

So thanks for reading, I know it has been awhile since a post and this was more serious but life happened and when it does you think about what you want your life to mean and be.