People spend a lot of time looking at other families and looking at their own wondering or dreaming of the number that will make their family "complete." I never really understood that thinking, just leave it up to fate, what will be will be, and if you have another you have another and if you don't you don't, also if no kids is your number than no kids is your number and you ARE still a family.
I have one friend who is trying to come to grips or at least make the final say if they are "one and done" or not, another friend who after years found her perfect number of three kids (which by the way, seems crazy to me now and I always wanted at least three), family members starting or expanding their families, and friends still living their lives to the fullest with their no kid lives, and so on and so forth.
Possible TMI alert: That all changed the day the kiddo did something magical - she willingly went to the closet and got me more toilet paper when the roll was empty. I mean how much more family do you get than that! It was also during Easter "vacation" so we were spending A LOT of time together - anyways it was that moment and a couple others when it hit me that this is my family, this is our family. There may only be two of us but that seemed to change, two wasn't small - it fit....perfectly.
I am not going to say it isn't hard, or that maybe one day I won't have a partner but I do believe that this far into our family that person will be my partner and not a "dad" type to the kiddo but for the foreseeable future, two is a pretty awesome number.
Retro 90's link:
Friday, April 18, 2014
It should be no surprise to anyone reading this now that I am Christian Catholic (again, note order) and have been in the season of Lent, a time I chose for more reflection on faith and prayer for myself. When I could get the time anyways – 5-10 min in the morning between “mom, mommy, mama, mom, mom, mom,” and late at night when I was counting down “OK, if I go to sleep right now I can get x hours of sleep.”
On this Good Friday and the days leading up to it, I am reflective on three particular words, the words Jesus said just before his death culminating in his purpose on earth: “It is finished.”
Lent and Easter had always been easy for me or as I look back not all that important – up to three years ago that is. Three years ago I was still dealing with lawyers, divorce/custody paperwork, being a single pregnant woman (well separated, as in my state you are not allowed to get a final legal divorce if you are a pregnant woman – write a letter there my friends), and coming back to the church. Many memories I have of that season sitting on a pew with my hand on my belly, needless to say comfortable was far from the word I am looking for in many respects.
Many times I have silently felt those words “It is finished,” though my journey with the above seems never ending sometimes. Without going into much detail, I had to go back into that world some days ago and make a phone call no parent should have to make in order to make sure I don’t receive a phone call no parent should have to receive. I cannot tell you how hard that call was to make, I knew I had to make it for the kiddo’s safety, but I kept hoping that forgiveness would somehow power through and God would handle it all, though lastly I did have to make that earthly call. Those words “It is finished,” rang through my head when the call was over and again when I called back to make an appointment just beginning the follow up process.
Tonight, via the kiddo, more details came to light and with only my faith to guide me literally on our way to Good Friday mass – I let her hold my finger in her hand as tightly as she could and did my best to promise in so many words that “it is finished.” Before tonight I had denial that it was just a mistake, the kiddo got something wrong, someone was sorry for the action taken against her – however, knowing that kid all too well, I know the person is not a Christian with love in their heart and did not say I’m sorry.
So in one way, for my kiddo and that relationship I know now, tonight of all nights that “It is finished,” and though not complete, I pray my battle is faithful, short, and victorious.
I ask anyone reading this to pray as well if that is your thing, ju ju works just as well :)
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
I first came up with the idea for this post as I was finally sitting at work charting and thought “crap, I have to get up early tomorrow (a Saturday) for that sale….oh crap, tomorrow’s not Friday!” Followed by the – you get to get up early to go to a kids clothing sale with a friend and grab coffee before hand – sans kids, so why the oh crap since you would be up anyways. Silly I know, but you must live in my mind to understand it.
Then on my way out of work my dad called – this is usually never a “good” thing. He started out with “two things,” again never a good sign, “one, dinner is in the fridge so don’t forget and two I learned from said higher up at your work that I know about this position and said person said they would support you in it – still downtown but a Monday-Friday type of gig” followed by a small explanation of said gig. I listened, but as I was listening my brain was going into stress mode as I was planning to attend a job fair for a job in the direction of my first degree and this was in my current degree that I am in now. I had a plan darn it!
Then we talked more, I thought more on my way home while listening to K-Love for any sign, and realized that I would have a lot of back up for me getting this position, I wouldn't have to switch companies, therefore no insurance lull for the kid, and still my Monday-Friday hours I was looking for even though the commute would stay about the same. My directions of which degree to follow were still there though. I tried to thank God for my blessings of having such choices in direction and two college degrees to support them instead of focusing on the stress. I tend to sometimes focus on the stress.
I got to my folks to pick up the kid, shared with my mom about the job, my dad comes in and I tell him my inspirations of further work/professional support in this opportunity but my torn-ness in direction and he explains his snowball of the future possibilities. Mainly that it could lead to my original avenue and this job would not be it until 70 – I can always branch. True.
My main dream my senior year in college with my first degree, I found to only have one clinic here in the U.S. in Minnesota, that disappointed me very much. I just hoped I could chug along until an opportunity presented itself. I got my second degree and current career degree in Tennessee – a strange move for me, a strange place, where my marriage began and started to end, but my dad’s side of the family was further known to me. A while ago, my sometimes too clever kiddo brought up a state during her state puzzle – “Tennisota.” My dad did not know my dream when he basically said you could end up doing blank – this dream job. I just sat and thought – wow, Tennisota. It may take time, work, adjustments, but what if I can get there someday?!
Lastly, my dad informed my mom “hey, did she tell you she has a week off?!” OK, this week off is because I need to stay home with kiddo during a school closure long weekend, do 2 Easter/birthday celebrations, then take 8 hours for my b-day to myself no kiddo, then back to kiddo for a couple and back to work. Yet it is a week away from work, to get things done, to celebrate, to not wake up at 04:00, and celebrate. I was also reminded that the last time I had a week off of work was maternity leave, so I guess I can’t complain now can I?
Saturday, April 5, 2014
I am considering going off the grid personally online and considering other possible ways to lay low as well. I would still keep my blog and accounts associated with it as it is a great outlet and a good tool to keep in touch with those closest. Audited and edited by me, not another entity, I can read other blogs as I like if I look them up they are not just put in a feed that a computer analysis system controls, and I can still share with those closest as they are the ones I invited into this part of my world – others can come and go as they please.
Although things like Facebook may make you feel connected, I have found that personally (especially with my family unfortunately) it only makes the real connection feel all the more distant and not real. For instance, I put up a post recently about the meaning of awareness (only awareness as forbid my family world knows about Autism and the like in our world actually being a possibility) and what it may or may not mean to me personally. I was jumped on by family members either trying to understand what I cannot tell them or by those having an inkling of what I was talking about and trying to change the subject. Only true friends really liked the original post and commented effectively. Then I woke up this morning after posting some pics of the kiddo last night and holy notifications Batman – because my mother must like each and every photo in order to show love. She also asked me to “pray for me today, we’ll talk later” over text this morning – really?! Since she was asleep when I got the kid, I can only assume it was a procedure of sorts. Also the disconnect I feel when I am actually around my geographical close family – sorry but I don’t feel I belong right now because I cannot be fully honest with them.
However, my truths are not hurtful in nature only real. Reality is what can tear some families apart unfortunately. I am much more comfortable with my God given family of friends -some of you reading right now, many of whom have taken the low profile online grid approach lately and I commend you for it. Maybe you had a moment similar to mine where “connection” made you feel the disconnect in some ways or you just feel you want to keep those family moments to yourself or that there just isn't enough time to text, post, tweet the same info over and over when it really isn't that important. You are actually living life and your reality and if you have a question you are seeking out a person to ask (even if you do have to text or email the question) you are asking an individual – not a web of friends.
I will post this tomorrow possibly, as for tonight I am not even turning on the switch to the router, visual media, modem, and DVD (my best idea yet to keep them all in the same power strip in my humble world). I am simply typing this out as I wait for my soup to steep and get ready to read more of my favorite story this time of year which happens to be the majority of the book of Exodus. So if you see me disappear personally for a bit or lay low – it’s nothing personal ;)