Last Chance........................................................I mean it A and Elaine, no details but I am not holding my feelings back either. It's not about either of you, but I know the subject can still be sore.
I was at work when I got a text from my dad that read "Didn't know who to contact. No visit today. Severe chest pain. Waiting on doctor. Text from X this morning." X would be biological dad to the kiddo, and it took me (and others) a minute to figure out that her bio dad was texting that he wouldn't make it for the visit that day. This isn't the first time, but it was the second time of this issue in the last 6 months, and honestly not the first time I have wondered - is he gonna make it this time or is this it? Many hope for the latter, I honestly could care less. And I have made my Christian peace with that; I treat people who do bad things to themselves and come in with chest pain all the time in my job and I do so with compassion though after I am out of the room I am done. Just like with the kiddo's donor - I, myself, am done.
Then I got mad - it was about another subject that had happened not even a half hour earlier. Another text had caused me chest pains, or rather the meaning behind it. I won't go into great detail - but I read words that gave me chest pains or should I say heart pains. I learned that I had to share something within my heart with A that comes from a place I do not know and may never understand. From a person who just like the kiddo's biological father has caused people I love a great deal of pain with a road to recovery that is not always easy for them or their loved ones.
I am still quite upset because I do not understand why people who have no regard, and I mean that, NO regard for others at all - no matter the age or relation mind you - cause others the type of pain that is lasting, aching, comes out of no where after being dormant for some time, kind of pain deep down in others' chests. Have they no heart? No compassion? No respect? Some would answer that these people deserve the chest pain, but I choose to break it down a little like the text that was sent by the kiddo's biological father.
"Didn't know who to contact." Well, when you alienate all of those around you, lie, cheat, steal and do not show compassion, kindness or even respect; who do you think you are going to have left to contact?
"No visit today." This is no surprise, you do not care to visit even when you are well. You do not care to let anyone, including blood family into your life or break into parts of your life where one could afford to sacrifice just a little more time. So why do you think they don't flinch when you don't show up or change plans last minute or even don't want to be with you because they know who their people are, the people they can count on. The people who give them a home.
"Severe chest pain." I am not saying these folks deserve it, only that they caused it by the life they are choosing to lead. When you do not make your heart healthy and open, it is going to backfire on you and it is not going to feel good when it does. Sorry - it's a fact.
"Waiting on doctor." I think of the Great Physician in these terms - myself and the other humans here are not the ones who can heal you or your heart. Only God can do that, even if you don't believe he is ever coming. Only He can give you the diagnosis, prognosis, and last judgment on things - that is not what my posse or I am here for, we can only sacrifice ourselves to make you a bit more comfortable while you wait.
Tonight, while I still have my own pain to deal with, these are my thoughts. A and Elaine, if either of you are reading this now more power to you and I am sorry if you recognize this pain. But I am real, I need to write, and I need to share this with all the other people who have felt aching and longing. And if anyone who has caused that pain is reading this, let me share with you a little medical rule - we never shock a dead heart.
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