Sunday, May 21, 2017

To Mom and God

It has been a rough week around here! Multiple doctors appointments for the kiddo, some sick days and getting her up to full strength, finally a plan in place to get her better, end of the year projects and planning for teacher gifts, and not to mention we are still not yet a month into the new place. Add the regular need to work, school, and life in there and you get STRESS!

I wish I could say I was fine, but I have been more riding the “F.I.N.E.” line. F’d up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional - thank you Aerosmith! Ok, maybe not totally the F part, however, dealing with a lot of emotions after the split from former fiance and the whole life change, moving, appearing really OK for the sake of the kiddo stuff.

Luckily, I FINALLY was able to put my finger on what I am truly mourning and what I am going through emotionally right now. Here is the fun, whole circle, kicker - I am actually dealing with a lot of issues that I never dealt with after my marriage to the kiddo’s dad ended. I am in the midst of coming to accept the fact that I never had (and never will have) the “natural” family. The one where girl meets boy, they fall in love, they get married after healthy dating, have children, still have tiffs because we all annoy each other and kids make you nuts, but still have that foundation of love behind it all type of family. I don’t know if I will date again, even if I do, it will be for me and not to build a family and it will be down the road. Step-families are hard because not all are connected by that natural beginning and for those who can pull that off AND still have that amazing relationship - kuddos and God Bless!

Then the kiddo came home with a picture that made me feel like I am not sending her into therapy and that I am not alone. It was a picture with “To Mom and God” on it, talk about a melt your heart, smack upside your head moment! For her, it’s OK to label her pictures to Mom and God instead of Mom and Dad because she knows no different. She knows she has a dad, she sees him and loves him, but also knows we have always lived in separate places. Although the kiddo and I are both still working out our feelings after the step-family plans fell through, we are slowly but surely becoming good with God’s plan for what our family will look like or be.

And we have God, always have and always will - it just takes a young heart to show that to you sometimes:

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