Birthday Preparation

In the weeks leading up to their child's birthday, most parents (I can no longer just say moms here because I have been shown better by some fathers out there) go out and pick up decorations they either approve or dislike, look at the birthday list and decide what gift their child will get that year, make party balloons, fill out and deliver party invitations, look back at old pictures, laugh and cry, etc.

This mom wishes she could do that. Though I am lucky enough to still have a child's earth birthday to celebrate and the opportunity to fit those things in - the routine is much different. It usually all starts with an email...from the kiddo's donor as some of my circle of friends refer to the kiddo's "father." Tonight we are allowed to use that term as he has proved himself deserving only of that title yet again. So I get the email - next comes the tears and silent screaming that no one (including the little one sleeping feet away) hears. Denial, more denial, dash of hatred, begging, pleading, anger, more anger. Not depression though - tears yes, but not depression. Finally, sooner than later - acceptance.

Acceptance that though the kiddo's life will always be celebrated by many who turn out in numbers a plenty - she has the opposite of a father. She has someone legally bound by blood who uses this small detail to hurt others rather than to boast on her. Acceptance that I will once again, year after year, go through piles of paperwork, legal documents, while taking a few moments of "can you watch her 5 extra minutes tonight after work" to grab the necessary items to Pintrest my way to a party to be thrown in a week - a week meaning 5 days.

Now like those other parents, I do go through many an old photo collection to get me through the hard but must do paperwork. I know who was there. I know who was there. I remember everything, everyone. Most of all - I remember our most precious times together forgetting for a moment the spill that was taken in the bathroom due to cups of water being thrown out during bath time. I stare in wonder at the kiddo while she sleeps - wondering how she got that big. Eating a half pound of meatballs followed by pasta for dinner, that's how!

She is on loan - as I was reminded - from God. I am here to guide her, watch her fall, pick her up, and by example she will learn and has learned to dust herself off and get back up. That is how we prepare for every new year of her life, just as I prepared when I brought her into this world - to stand, to fight for respect, and to love with an ever growing open heart.