What Never To Say To A Single Parent

I was going to save this for later, but read a similar blog post (http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/01/10/your-life-is-over-when-you-have-kids/) about what and how people say certain things to parents and here is mine:

There are five words that make me cringe, that since the first time I heard them resonate in my head whenever I read about a large parenting challenge be it potty training or teaching your child to have his or her heart open to God or the idea of God: You are all she has (aka, you are all she’s got).

Though it may be somewhat true of single parents whether it be by choice, separation, divorce, death, and all the other possibilities, it is a deafening blow. We know that we are the only ones around for them 24/7 and that even when we have a sitter or if the other parent is one around for a visit or even if they are with grandparents or other family members we know that we must be on call for those “what if” phone calls. We know that even though the doors slam in our faces only as well as the screams of “no mommy/daddy no,” the same forceful bodies will lie across us the next morning sweetly saying “just five more minutes.” We knew that first time we held them as single parents and they cried, whether that be at birth, at a funeral, looking at a car drive away or looking back through the window. We knew then that we were the most important, solid, trustworthy people and would be throughout their entire life. Trust me, we knew and we found impossible strength.

Let us also not forget the milestones and the two fold single parent fear of milestones: they are going to take those first steps, say their first word, get on the bus to school, have a sleep over (what will we do with the time besides wait by the phone because they decide to come home at 11pm), bridge in scouts, get to high school, graduate high school, go to college, and many much more important ones in between. I think we all fear the milestones themselves as we will not know what to do as we realize these children are growing and becoming their own people. I think single parents all fear, who will I turn to and share this moment with? As my own daughter was late and very thorough before taking her own first steps, I had months to wonder – it’s going to be so exciting but what if I am not there because I am at work or worse…who will I look at with joy to say “she’s walking, she’s walking!” I was lucky and my mother happened to be with me when my daughter took her first steps, but even though I was overjoyed, there was a little pain in my heart. Pre-school is next and I do not know who I am going to call in tears or panic after I drop her off that first day. Trust me we know and we will find impossible strength.

Parents are often told before or just after having a child, “it takes a village” – often by family members who do not want to be forgotten in the process I find or in times of need when parents have no clue as to what is going on with their child or what to do about it. Yet, often in the everyday, the single parent hears be tough/be strong words of “because you are all he/she has.” Flip that around to the child or imagine you are the child being told – “mom/dad is all you have.”  How terrifying for a child to think that you have one person in this world, just one that is all, so nothing better happen to them! That sheer terror is often what I feel as a single parent when I am told those 5 words, and God forbid something happens because if I am all she’s got, then it must be my fault if she fails and more so God forbid something happen to take away my or her entire world. But because as I already stated, trust me we know and we will have impossible strength.

I want you to think now, where did we get that strength? It must have come from somewhere or the teachings of someone. Maybe a parent, maybe two parents, maybe a cool aunt or uncle, maybe a sibling, maybe from an upbringing in the church, maybe from trials and tribulations willfully pointed out by adversaries, maybe by that just enough older role model, or maybe from that friend or two I just happened to have in my thirty plus years. Oh, I know, maybe it came a little from all of those people! Maybe, just maybe, we believe in a higher entity in which we are never truly alone even when there isn't anyone else physically around. And if we as single parents are not “all we've got”, then maybe we single parents can tell our children “mom/dad are not all you've got.” Trust me we know and we have impossible strength.