Only The Lonely?

Off of my last post with the podcast link, there was something in the interview about the challenge of loneliness that single parents face when all is settled and the kids have gone to bed. Initially, I was all - "I am not lonely really, busy yes, in want of a partner yes but no need and no rush" so I equated it to that I really don't feel lonely all that often.

Then yesterday hit and because of flipping daylight savings time (sidebar: I didn't have it growing up ok, so I don't like it and am not used to it because we lived in the bubble) I have been up the majority of the last however many hours with naps in between with the kiddo attached to my body 24/7. I had driven down with the kiddo to meet my friend and old college roommate to walk around campus, have lunch, meet up for the first time in a few months. We had a great day, it was great to just up and go somewhere, especially the campus/my hometown which is magical - I mean amazingly truly magical, and talk and walk and catch up.

However, on the drive home, still quite happy - I felt the need to call someone and tell them about my day. As strange as it sounds, there was no one to call. My folks aren't really being there for us a ton and have their own stuff going on which kind of negates any importance on my end. I had obviously just finished talking with one of my good friends. Two others were busy with family things, and it seemed too odd to just call about my day. But what I was really looking for was that person to call at the end of any wonderful or harrowing day to tell all my excitement too. That's when it hit me, I do feel lonely in the "no partner" sense here and there and probably too often than I like to admit. Then it kind of snowballed......that night I wished someone would rub my aching back, however, I was quite happy that I didn't have to deal with the possibly obliges post massage if you get me; today was a rough very early morning per the evil daylight savings time and I had a half-ling in my bed sprawling about instead of someone to cuddle; and when my kiddo does something ordinarily extraordinary there is no one to turn to and say "can you believe she just did that?!"

There are many perks to being single though, less fights, no other family to have to deal with that is not blood, no pressure to do anything in return for a small selfish want, etc. But the biggest perks are 1) I get to fall in love still - I was watching Love Actually last night - and oh how amazing that will feel when it happens AND to be loved back unselfishly (because lets face it, it did not happen the first time around) and 2) because there is no one around to share in the ordinary extraordinary amazingness of the kiddos' accomplishments - SHE gets straight on all the praise and excitement and pride from my heart directly in the moment. And you should see her eyes, she knows pride at this young age, and if there was any question to the best look in a kiddo's eyes - being surprised by being such a big deal and knowing someone is proud of them is by far the winner.

So I will wait, not with a wasted heart, for that day to come. Until then, God gets an earful.